Um.

Hi there.

It's been a few months.... uh. I meant to call. But i've been, you know, kind of embarrassed. Cause it's been so long. And i didn't really know how to come back and be all, "hey!" as if nothing happened. So i've been sitting here wondering how i'm supposed to be all, "hey," and then i figured that i'd just come right out and say it.

Hey.

I'm back.

To be honest, life has been kind of sliding down the shit mountain and i've been quiet because i know no one wants to hear 300 words of complaining every time you come here, so i figured i'd keep it to myself. Believe me, I've been doing YOU a favor. Because i'm a nice girl like that.

So here, in list format, since you've been asking, is what has been going on round these parts for the past 3 months:

1. Cousin G is still getting married, i am still a bridesmaid and at this point i have spent upwards of $1300 so that she can get married.
2. People keep asking me when I'M going to get married without really understanding that not only can we not afford to get married, we totally can't afford an engagement ring.
3. The Boy has been a mess lately with a herniated disk that has left him, at times, incapacitated. Without health insurance, he is pretty much fucked.
4. I had to take this semester off from school because i am teh poor.
5. I got an invitation to my 10-year high school reunion. 'Nuff said.
   
6. The Boy's 92 yr old grandmother fell in her house (and couldn't get up) and went from hospital to rehabilitation nursing center last week. Currently, this woman who had been so sarcastic and sharp is having a hard time keeping everything in her brain that was there last week.
7. My credit card debt is so high that my friends ask me how i sleep at night.
8. I have gone off the wagon with WeightWatchers and realize that i have probably gained back everything i had lost since last year.
9. Stepping in dog shit on Friday night made me cry.

TA-DA! Welcome to the Sunshine and Roses Webpage. Where everything is happy and bright until you step in an unsuspecting pile of dog-pie and you lose whatever semblance of control you had that was keeping you from sobbing into your low-fat chocolate milkshake.

And THAT, my friends, is why i have not been Sharon The Sharer these past couple of months.

I'm thinking i need to get this shit out somewhere, however, so i have a feeling i'll be back.

If i was going to be a doctor, i would probably choose Proctology over Opthamology. Like for reals.

E-mail from this morning to The Boss:

From: Claire
Sent: Monday, October 29, 2007 9:52 AM
To: The Boss
Subject: Tuesday - will be late

Just a reminder –

Will be late on Tuesday morning. Have eye-doctor appointment @ 9am. Shouldn't be in later than 10:00.

Though, if I am later than 10am, it is because I am spastic and am possibly getting my new contacts stuck in my hair / on floor / folded in half, scratching my cornea.

Just so you know.

Tomorrow! I will finally be amongst the people who have decided that it is no trouble sticking their own fingers in their eyes. I am excited. Especially since this is a big step for me. This is something that i should have done years ago, but i didn't realize that contact lenses were covered by my health insurance.





Um. That is totally a cover story. The health insurance thing. I've actually known for years. The truth is i am totally afraid of sticking something in my eye. You know, wearing glasses since the 9th grade and all would probably get old to most normal people. But not me. Me of the squeamish. I mean, really.

I hate all things relating to eyes. It just freaks me out. The glaucoma test at the eye doctor? Horrifying. Absolutely horrifying. I never sit still for the puff of air. I always sit there and they tell me to hold still with your face in the plastic chin-rest thing and then at the last second i pull away. Or blink. Or scream.

Now, they put these nasty drops in your eyes and have that blue light deal that they look through to see if there's any glaucoma stuff.

What i didn't realize, until my doctor told me because i kept pulling away - like a 5 year old, was that those nasty drops? They numb your eyeball. Like, totally numb it. You know why?

So they can stick that blue light thing on your eye while he looks though it. THEY STICK IT ON YOUR EYE. LIKE TOUCHING IT. ON YOUR EYE. The drops make it so that you don't feel it. Isn't that nice?

I was nauseous for about an hour after that. I sort of wish he hadn't told me.

Others have suggested i try the Lasik surgery. HAHAHAHA!! Yeah right, guys. If i can't handle a glaucoma test, i certainly can't handle having those creepy horror-movie clamps holding my eyelids open with LASERS pointed at my retinas for "probably 5 minutes". That's so not going to happen. And there's a chance my eyesight may get worse? Yeah, no thanks. I'll wait until the procedure is PERFECT, thank you very much.

God, i hope i never develop cataracts.



I guess we'll see how the "contact training session" goes. Everyone tells me its no big deal and it will just take a couple of tries to get used to it.

I am putting my eyes in their hands.


(HA!)

Crappers.

I thought I was doing something smart and inspired.
In reality I was fucking something up.

I thought I was finally finishing a project.
In reality, I made it such that I have to call a meeting with about 4 departmental directors to find out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with a project that should not have been mine in the first place.

I thought I was being super-productive.
Where in reality, I've lost more ground than I've gained.

Today has not been so great.

Fox News.

This weekend, TheBoy and I went for a little 4 mile hike in the woods. It was all my idea and i was really psyched to get out and go hiking because it's gotten way too long in between days in the woods, and i love hiking. Love. Yet by the time we hit mile 2, i wanted someone to come pick me up and drive me back to the car. I was beat. Which was totally sad since it wasn't even that hot out.

Also, i was a little bored. Which is totally strange. I'm not sure what to attribute that to.

Maybe it was the fact that we were 'hiking' down a bridle trail - which is not hiking at all, but walking. In the woods. The bridle (not bridal - that would be something totally different) trail is really soft sandy-dirt and the uneven, soft ground was driving me crazy (but woo! workout!) with very little scenery at all. I know, what the hell am i expecting, right? Yeah, i don't know. The lack of anything going on around us caused us to use all the strategically placed piles of horse poo as major sources of entertainment; every time we passed one TheBoy would make fart/potty noises which amused us both to no end. Farts=funny, people. There's no denying that.

Once we finally made it off the bridle path and onto a real, solid path, things brightened up a bit. There were creeks! And chipmunks! A rabbit! A deer hiding in the trees! So many things more interesting than horse shit. I know it's hard to fathom.

Somewhere halfway through, we stopped to sit on a bench that was set up in a clearing by the fish hatchery. TheBoy was making a phone call (cause what's a hike without your Blackberry, eh?) and just staring off into space when he saw something, that at first registered as a 'dog', walking on the path we had just come from.

"That's a fox!"

Shocking! I've never, ever seen a fox (i don't think.. that i can remember..) in real life. It was a lot bigger than i thought it would be - like the size of a cocker spaniel, i guess. So we gauked at the fox and it stared back at us, until it decided that we were way too excited to see it and he ran away.

And i'm sure some of you are like, "yeah, whatever, Claire. I've got a fox sleeping in the marigolds out front," To which i would respond, "wow," and "that's really interesting," but this is my story, and i've never seen one in person, and it was kind of exciting for me, if you don't mind.

Don't steal my fox thunder.

By the time we wandered out of the woods, i wanted to fall down in the parking lot and go to sleep, but overall, a nice hike... or walk. You know.

EEEeeeeeee!!!!!

Hello! I am starting to develop HIVES on my FACE.


HIVES.. OH GOD HIVES.

31 minutes until interview....

Can you tell i'm stalling?

Today's the day.

I have to tell him today.

But first!
I was just reminded of something to help you to better understand just how non-confrontational i am.

{{{Wayne's World wavy screen flashback transition}}}

I think it was 2001? Probably about 6 years ago, i guess. Imagine that song "It's Been Awhile" by Staind is playing on the radio. I'm pretty sure that song was always playing on the radio that year on at least 3 stations at any given moment. And it's a damn shitty song.

I was getting sick of how my stupid bank worked, what with its "holding periods" and "no online banking" and "nasty, indignant tellers" and decided that i wanted a change and opened up an account at a local credit union. One with all kinds of online banking and nicer people with less attitude and they also were better about not telling me that i couldn't access my money when i wanted it (which really sucks by the way when you are super-poor like me and are maybe making minimum wage, or at least very close to it).

So i opened an account and dropped most of my money in it and all was good. I could look at my money move all day long online and that was so exciting for me, you have no idea. Hey. Sometimes its the simple things that make me happy.

But there was still one thing i had left to do.

I had to quit the bank.*

Every week i said to myself, 'Self? Today is the day we quit the bank'. And then i wouldn't go anywhere near the bank and I'd be all , 'Feh! I was so busy, i didn't have time to quit the bank today!'

And there the account laid open. Open and on the brink of emptiness.

To quit the bank, you have to talk to someone at the bank. You have to tell them that you don't want to be in their bank anymore and that you're leaving their bank. You're breaking up with the bank. And i think by now you know how i feel about that kind of conversation.

Not good. In case you were wondering, it's not good.

Once a month, i would receive my statement and every month, there would be a couple of dollars less in the bank than there was the month before. The account was starting to eat away at itself from starvation and neglect. It would only eat a dollar or two a month, but pretty soon i knew there would be nothing left.

Years went by. I never did quit the bank. Eventually there was only about $12.00 in the bank and they finally sent me a letter telling me they were closing the account due to inactivity. And i said "YES! I don't have to quit the bank! They did it for me."

And that is the story of a girl who is so non-confrontational that she couldn't even close a bank account.


It's probably also because of sheer laziness. But feh. That does not fit the theme of the story.




*I don't know if anyone else would pick this up, but that is a Friends reference. My closet addiction to Friends goes deep. And i would in fact go around saying this; I'm not making up that phrase for your amusement. Because it is not so amusing.