"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Monday, October 29, 2007

If i was going to be a doctor, i would probably choose Proctology over Opthamology. Like for reals.

E-mail from this morning to The Boss:

From: Claire
Sent: Monday, October 29, 2007 9:52 AM
To: The Boss
Subject: Tuesday - will be late

Just a reminder –

Will be late on Tuesday morning. Have eye-doctor appointment @ 9am. Shouldn't be in later than 10:00.

Though, if I am later than 10am, it is because I am spastic and am possibly getting my new contacts stuck in my hair / on floor / folded in half, scratching my cornea.

Just so you know.

Tomorrow! I will finally be amongst the people who have decided that it is no trouble sticking their own fingers in their eyes. I am excited. Especially since this is a big step for me. This is something that i should have done years ago, but i didn't realize that contact lenses were covered by my health insurance.

Um. That is totally a cover story. The health insurance thing. I've actually known for years. The truth is i am totally afraid of sticking something in my eye. You know, wearing glasses since the 9th grade and all would probably get old to most normal people. But not me. Me of the squeamish. I mean, really.

I hate all things relating to eyes. It just freaks me out. The glaucoma test at the eye doctor? Horrifying. Absolutely horrifying. I never sit still for the puff of air. I always sit there and they tell me to hold still with your face in the plastic chin-rest thing and then at the last second i pull away. Or blink. Or scream.

Now, they put these nasty drops in your eyes and have that blue light deal that they look through to see if there's any glaucoma stuff.

What i didn't realize, until my doctor told me because i kept pulling away - like a 5 year old, was that those nasty drops? They numb your eyeball. Like, totally numb it. You know why?

So they can stick that blue light thing on your eye while he looks though it. THEY STICK IT ON YOUR EYE. LIKE TOUCHING IT. ON YOUR EYE. The drops make it so that you don't feel it. Isn't that nice?

I was nauseous for about an hour after that. I sort of wish he hadn't told me.

Others have suggested i try the Lasik surgery. HAHAHAHA!! Yeah right, guys. If i can't handle a glaucoma test, i certainly can't handle having those creepy horror-movie clamps holding my eyelids open with LASERS pointed at my retinas for "probably 5 minutes". That's so not going to happen. And there's a chance my eyesight may get worse? Yeah, no thanks. I'll wait until the procedure is PERFECT, thank you very much.

God, i hope i never develop cataracts.

I guess we'll see how the "contact training session" goes. Everyone tells me its no big deal and it will just take a couple of tries to get used to it.

I am putting my eyes in their hands.


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  • I am the same way about eyes. I am just incredibly lucky that (so far) my vision hasn't required corrective lenses.

    A question, though: are you going to take the glasses off the Claire Bear, too? Because that would be kind of sad.

    By Blogger Jess, at 10/29/2007 4:02 PM  

  • I share your squeamishness about eyes - which makes conversations with my SIL (an optometrist who likes to talk about eye injuries and disease when we have dinner with her) a little uncomfortable - but I have to say that you do get used to doing the contacts thing pretty quickly. The key is to get zen about it: after you've done it a few times, you stop thinking about it... your mind goes on autopilot, and before you know it your contacts are popped out and you're on your way.

    Good luck!

    By Anonymous TwoBusy, at 10/30/2007 8:35 AM  

  • jess - its so funny that you should ask that because i was thinking about that, too. I doubt it. After my training session this morning (which was horrible HORRIBLE, btw) i am pretty sure i won't be dropping the glasses from my ensemble entirely. Cause i don't know if i'll ever get used to touching my eye.

    twobusy - god that would make me nauseous. i don't know if i could stand to talk about that over dinner. BLEEEHHh. Zen, huh. I'll have to work on that. WHEN I'M SCRAPING A PIECE OF PLASTIC OVER MY EYE. Ew.

    By Blogger claire, at 10/30/2007 1:54 PM  

  • I waited until I was 20 to get contacts because I could not take the idea of touching my eye either. It gets much easier after the first week of so.

    By Blogger -R-, at 10/30/2007 2:12 PM  

  • i freaked out Lisa the other by touching my eyeball with my finger. i did it to prove a point. i can handle contacts no problem, but my OCD won't let me stop thinking about them and wondering if they've moved around. that's why i still wear glasses.

    have fun at the appointment!

    By Blogger minijonb, at 10/30/2007 5:53 PM  

  • You should relly see the episode of "FRIENDS" Where Rachel tries to get her eye checked by the eye doctor and could NOT handle the guy messing with it.. It was hilarious.

    Seriously, as a contact user - you will be either 2 ways:
    1- Ohy Gaw THIS is what i was so scared of..

    2 - Or, Oh my GAW forget this, werent Plastic glasses in this Fall?

    By Blogger SAILOR MOON, at 10/30/2007 10:23 PM  

  • So, how's it going? Used to them, yet?

    After years of contact use, I'm mostly used to them, but every once in a while there will be... problems. Which I won't get into, since that would freak you out.

    But the older I get, the more I wear my glasses, just because they're more comfortable (my eyes get dry easily). I pretty much only wear the contacts when I need to wear sunglasses. Because also, sadly, as I get older, I think I actually look better in glasses, too...

    Keep the glasses on the bear!

    By Blogger Da Nator, at 11/03/2007 10:39 AM  

  • we are of one heart and one mind on this issue. i agree one hundred and ten percent all the way down the line with absolutely everything you just wrote. been there, done that, screwed the roadies.

    and just think....after the laser procedure is complete?


    *runs off twitching and weeping*

    By Blogger FirstNations, at 11/08/2007 10:47 AM  

  • First of all, being in the profession I am versed on the subjects. Contact lenses are one of the MOST dangerous things you can put in your eyes. They are a great deal of responsibility and limited wear time is crucial. Having a back up pair of glasses should be a requirement for contact users. Do not EVER sleep with contacts in...EVER. Worst possible thing you could do, to increase your chances of going BLIND! I find it funny how you all think putting pieces of plastic over your corneas, therefor limiting the amount of oxygen to the cornea, sounds "safer" than other well know/documented refractive procedures. LASIK has nothing to do with your retina and corneas do not "scab".

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7/10/2009 5:20 PM  

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