"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Friday, April 28, 2006

And now for something completely different...

Enough about work. Bitching about it is not going to help.

Its Spring now. Here on Long Island, every living thing has freaked out that its all 'warm' now. All of the trees in my area seem not to know that its still April as they've completely popped. Full-size leaves and all. Usually the limbs are still a hazy shade of green the first 2 weeks of May. This worries me. It's probably going to be a HOT summer and i just don't deal well with HOT. I'm not a summer kind of girl - maybe mostly because i don't like wearing shorts. (This is where The Diet is supposed to make everything better).

Anywho. This weekend is going to be beautiful and sunny and in the mid-60's ('warm') which sounds like a perfect day to go here: The Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. Um, because its beautiful there. And because there are flowers and trees and walking in the sunshine and waterfalls and ponds and crap.

Oh, and look - this weekend is the annual Cherry Blossom Festival. Neato - there's even something to do. Festivalness.

Doesn't that look pretty? And there's scads and scads of them there. According to the website, 200 of these here trees. All kinds of pretty flowery things. Walking and taking pictures and taking part in some Japanese-style festival thingies. Sounds like fun, right?

On the other hand - we need to mow the lawn, finish planting my bulbs, clean the house, wash the dog, and do some laundry. Oh and sleep late. It's a saturday, afterall.

Also, I have a feeling The Boy is not going to want to drive to Brooklyn tomorrow.

I think i'm looking forward to another Fun-Free weekend.


Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Hi again.

Things here at work may have calmed down just a little. Is hard to say as i haven't seen the boss very much today. Yesterday i worked with a scowl on my face which was pretty much all the backlash he got from that email he sent on friday. Am i a little offended? Yeah. Maybe a little embarrassed? Probably.

Am i disgusted? You bet.

I am quite disturbed that this man is making a 6-figure salary on a Brooklyn* high school diploma.

(I have nothing against people from Brooklyn, mind you. My parents were both born and raised in Brooklyn (um, represent...) so lets not be silly now. But the accent from the area is very well- known, and not what one would call "proper English". Its not even "close-to-English".)

There is just a whole lot of people at this company who have very high-paying positions without any education whatsoever.

Why am i giving up my weeknights to go to school?? What the hell am i wasting my time for?? Obviously, if i make the right kinds of friends** and bully my way around i, too, can get a high-paying executive job.

Unfortunately, i'm not an asshole.

I pay for that all the time.

*He writes like he speaks.
**Boss was a friend of our Sr. Director. Sr. Director was terminated just before xmas, however, due to some felonious charges.
/What? who said that?

Friday, April 21, 2006

Email from the boss today:

This is quite possibly the most unprofessional (with craptacular grammar) message i have ever received. This is not just me specifically - this went out to 8 of us.

Boss is upset with me and my "team". Here, have a look (things in Blue have been altered by me for a more generic feel and/or to protect the innocent):

Effective Today,

I am asking each of you to be sure and check your "Call-Center-Work-Ticket Program Name" login screen more aggressively than you are currently.

Tickets are being assigned to you and we are not responding in a timely manor. ( Putting Egg on our Face)

I have seen way to many facilities NO Response samples today, where our customers are asking for SIMPLE things like badge access, lights, temperature adjustments, cleaning, Paper, Phones Etc Etc

That have gone days weeks without a facilities Response…???????????? I know we are all busy But !!

Are we to busy to follow up? I don’t want to stand behind you and complain about personal calls or surfing the net…But I suggest we take care of our customers 1st before we make calls and hack the WEB..

This is not what I have been asking for “ When I say we need a sense of Urgency to everything we do” I want to remind you of one of our first team meetings when I asked for us all to

Strive for a “ 24 Hour Response” to all requests.

As of today I would like all completed tickets to be routed directly to "Employee Name" by 430 pm Daily.

Thank you for your cooperation

Signed: An obnoxious twat

I am so done with this place. This is just getting stupid now.
And what is he talking about with this "surfing the net" bit? Who is he referring to exactly?

Whatever. I spent yesterday on Craigslist looking for jobs for myself and forwarding some links to coworker friends who were qualified for them.

I have no shame, i guess.

I hope no one knows who i am... i will so get fired for this. But hey, at least then i'll get unemployment.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Little Dog is an idiot.

I feel like i should post something just because i haven't in awhile. Is that enough reason to post? Probably not. I have the time, so i might as well blather on.

Well, i do have one thing.

Little Dog suffered from a mild Heat Stroke last Thursday due to the fact that she's an idiot.
Little Dog is in a constant battle with the dog next door. Dog next door's name is Carly. Carly is a big dopey mutt that is built not unlike a deer, long and lanky. But most importantly, Carly is super non-aggressive. But, Little Dog is a pain in the ass. Here we go...

I may have mentioned previously that Little Dog likes to run back and forth along the fence that we share with Carly's property. She runs back and forth, back and forth and then jumps. She jumps vertically, to see over the 6 foot fence and runs and barks and runs and jumps and barks.
This is because Little Dog is an idiot. Carly does not pose any particular threat in anyone's mind but hers and this gives Little Dog something to exercise her neuroses on. Because, like anything else, if you don't use your neuroses, you lose them.
We can't have that...

So last Thursday was a balmy 68 degrees here on Long Island, and i went home for lunch like i do everyday to let the dogs out. The dogs appreciate this as not only does it give them time to do their business, but i keep them out there for the 1/2 hour or so while i'm home. This is mostly so i don't end up with dog fur on all of my clothes, but also? Dogs like the outside.

Since it was SO WARM that day (spring has finally sprung here - its about time), Little Dog decided that even though Carly was nowhere to be found, she needed to run the fence line. (oh, and the fence line? A 2 ft. wide dirt bed now. Could have been grass, but no. Not anymore.) So she ran and jumped and barked and ran and ran and ran and ran and got herself frenzied. *I* was not paying any attention and was eating my lunch, thank you very much. 20 minutes later, I called them inside so i could leave. Little Dog was falling up the deck stairs, and was disoriented and wobbling around and kind of drooling.

I had no idea what had happened. I didn't see her running like a shmuck and assumed that she was either poisoned or about to have a seizure. I freaked and threw her in the car and got her to the vet.

Heat Stroke. $458 and 4 hours later, i was able to take her home. She's fine. It's like nothing ever happened. All we have is a bald patch on her front leg from where they stuck the IV.

Stupid Little Dog.

(/thank god she's ok.....)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

This is perhaps not so surprising.

For those of you who don't know me personally (most of you) maybe don't know that i'm a total procrastinator. This comes to mind as today i HAVE to do my taxes.

It is, afterall April 13th and i have only 2 days left to have them postmarked or e-stamped or whatever. I have waited this long because it is maybe boring and/or scary for me. Also because the internet connection on my computer at home has been missing since when The Boy was "trying to do something" about a month ago and never re-connected me. This will be forgiven and not complained about. For now.

Filing my own taxes scares me. Last year was the first year i did it myself (online) and while it worked out fairly well, i was paranoid that i did it wrong and was going to receive a phone call from the IRS that I had cheated the government out of money and they were going to come and take me away. I don't know if this ever REALLY happens or if even the IRS checks each return as diligently as they would have to in order to see that i screwed up. I don't wish to purposely lie on my taxes, i am just concerned that i've fudged them a little. The A-word scares the crap out of me. *

I decided last year that i am going to do it myself since my taxes are fairly simple and straight-forward. I'm not married, divorced, own a home or have dependants**. I do not wish to pay the $50 to $80 it would take to pay a professional to do it, so i set myself up for this stressful time that i will spend in front of the computer reading little excerpts of tax law and tip-tapping my numbers into little boxes whose parameters i don't even remotely understand.

Money, taxes and insurance scare the crap out of me. I don't understand it. I will never claim to understand these things. In fact, my brain basically shuts down when these things come up. I have never taken a Finance class because i know that when these subjects come up, a little switch is flipped in my head that causes Muzak*** tracks to play.

Now, i don't actually believe that i am a stupid person. And as a Non-Stupid Person, i believe that i am capable of following the instructions in the online tax program and filling in the boxes with the appropriate numbers. I am smart enough to read and answer questions and the program basically does The Math for you. I am NOT capable of doing The Math myself. I understand that it is mostly addition and subtraction, but lets not put too much on my plate that i can screw up, mmkay?

Also, i know i have deductions. I don't claim any of them except school tuition. This is because there is a box right there on the form for school tuition. Any deviations from the form are not admissable as i will Fuck It Up.

I'm sure that all of you have yours done already like good citizens. I'm also sure that this process does not stress you out like it does me. I think we can all be sure that you are more adept at handling situations that you have 4 months to prepare for. Unlike myself who waits until they have 2 days left and freaks out about it as she is trying to find all of her W2's that are in a "safe place".


*AUDIT. Doesn't the word just send chills up your spine? Is that just me?

**The Boy has trained his two children to respond to being called "Dependant 1" and "Dependant 2". Do not judge him. He is funny. And the children are smart enough to roll their eyes at him.

***AKA: elevator music. I'm not sure if Muzak is a universal term.
I also didn't know until a few years ago that Muzak is in fact a company (who creates "Experiences with Audio Architecture") and is not just a word invented to describe the non-music that is played in such places as elevators and shopping malls. Neato.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The TeeVee is maybe like a family. A warm, glowing family.

oh, i haven't much to say today.

Only that last night, the Boy and i caught up on the past two weeks of the West Wing (I love this show) and the stupid show made me cry. I hate that.
The series is going to end with this season, which is probably just as well since it would have been featuring a whole new administration and i don't think they would be able to carry off the chemistry that the first cast had. It would just be weird, is all. Kind of like a spin-off.

John Spencer who had played Leo, passed away in December of last year (so sad) and i think, but don't quote me here, that The West Wing people decided to call it quits after that. So up until last week, they had film in the can with Leo alive and well, but that would only last for so long. The Boy and i kept wondering when they were going to run out and how they would handle the actor's passing. The had Leo die on election day.*

Ugh, so sad. To top it off, Boy's aunt passed away on Sunday night from cancer. She had beaten her first round of breast cancer a few years ago. It had gone into remission and she was doing well. But this past December, the doctors found multiple brain tumors and didn't give her very long after that.

So i think watching this last night was maybe too much.

Tomorrow we'll be driving upstate with The Boy's grandmother to go to the funeral. No doubt there will be more crying tomorrow.

I'm not sure i can take it.

*I'm well aware that if you don't watch the show, you have no interest in this entire post.
I'll tell you something, though. I don't care.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Now its time to kick up the heat on The Diet.

Well, i've done it. I finally booked a cruise. I've been looking at all of the amazing deals and cheap fares for cruise lines for about a month, since a co-worker came back from her vacation. She convinced me that i should try it for myself and who am i to argue?

The Boy and I will be going on an 11 day (!) cruise to the western Caribbean on the last week of November thru the first week of December. On the fourth day of our cruise, i will be celebrating my 26th birthday on an "at sea" day. No doubt all of the other passengers will be terribly excited that it's my birthday and will all buy me some sort of gift or alcoholic beverage to celebrate with me. That will be so kind of them all. We'll all laugh and dance and drink. It will be marvelous.

Of course, this means i have to lose 25 lbs in 8 months. Maybe 30 lbs. Nah, 25 lbs is quite enough i think. And since i've started The Diet in September, i've lost about 15 lbs. I had actually lost 20, but then you know. Put 5 back. I've just gotten so bored with it all. Ugh.. I mean, how many salads can one person eat in a day? When do i get to eat cheeseburgers?? I want french fries!! I'm afraid The Diet has made me kind of mean.

So since September, that's 7 months... -20 lbs + 5lbs = 15 lbs lost.

April to November (...the 26th - so it's practically December) is 8 months and i'll have to lose 25lbs.

I can so totally do that. I should be able to lose like, 40 lbs in that amount of time, but i just can't live without the ice cream. I think its the ice cream i miss the most*. Sigh... ice cream.

Right! So, now that it's getting warm out** i can start all of those exercise plans i had LAST summer that i never followed up on. I'll go jogging*** in the morning, or maybe at night. I've got those rollerblades that have been in my trunk for about 6 years, i'd like to try yoga too. See? All kinds of opportunity to be thin. Or at least Not-Fat.

See? Not-Fat. I'm not striving for the moon and stars, here.

I just want to be happy here:

Grand Cayman

And um, here:

Ocho Rios, Jamaica

*Which is why i just LOVE Edy's Slow Churn - 1/2 the fat or calories or some such nonsense. I don't really pay attention, i just know that i can eat as much as i want because its healthy for me.
It so totally IS.

**Not today however - it's like 45 degrees outside. It snowed on Wednesday. Stupid weather.

***Just for clarification, i've never been "a jogger". I like walking, but i'm looking for a little more "umph".
And maybe pain.


Note: After i posted this, I went out with a friend and had encheladas for lunch.

I'm so stupid.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

No time for love, Dr. Jones

This week has been amazingly busy at work and i apologize to all 3 of you that i haven't updated lately. I've been in the middle of an external-audit and haven't had the time to leave my desk for a potty break, so i'm sure you understand.

Just a quick note to say that this weekend is Small Step-boy's birthday party (he's 8 now) and i will be spending 2 or 3 hours in his mother's house. Should be wonderfully informative, as i've never really spent that kind of time with The Boy's ex-wife and am somewhat curious to see why the children are the way they are. I know they get some of their interesting habits from their father, though i'm inclined to believe that the more annoying ones are fostered by their loving mother. Such as peeing on the toilet seat.

This is one of those funny little habits that is probably just dealt with by his mother and cleaned up by her (or magically disappears as far as he's concerned) instead of instructing Small Step-boy how to aim / clean up after his own damn self because mommy (or more importantly Claire) is not interested in sitting on a sprinkled toilet seat mistakenly because she didn't think she had to inspect the seat before using the toilet in her own goddamned house.

Silly Claire.

Anyway, should be educational. Hopefully I won't draw negative attention to myself by shooting the evil-eye* at small children at the birthday party. I have a feeling his ex will be subtly trying to decide if i'm good with her kids, or perhaps a serial killer.

One never knows.

* I am Italian afterall. It just slips out.