"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Monday, September 08, 2008

I shouldn't be allowed out without parental supervision.

Well, here's a fun confession:

I just visited the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror on my way out to make sure everything is still where i left it (and to fluff my hair, if you must know) when i noticed that there's a bit of white shmutz under the arm-holes of my shirt. I'm wearing kind of a sleeveless top with sort of a cap-sleeve thing and for some reason my deodorant, my INVISIBLE! solid deodorant, has mushed itself all over my dark red shirt. In the arm pit area. Obviously.

I inspected the area fully and determined that i'm not going to be able to wipe this off with a wet paper towel, that will probably just make it worse, and kind of resigned myself to keeping my arms down all day today. Which sucks, because i'm either going to be totally self-conscious the whole day or i'm going to forget about it in all of 20 minutes from now and wave my arms around like a baboon who's just spotted a helpless car coming into the Six Flags Safari that likes to rip off all of the radio antenae that pass by. I am forgetful like that.

I walked back to my desk and started "working*" again and remembered that i have one of those Shout Wipes in my purse. Right where they're supposed to be! For messy people like me! But it's been in there since April and i haven't thought about it in months! Look at me remembering things! And proceed to take it out and start to blot the underarms of my shirt at my desk, where People walk around all day.

It occurs to me that
#1: Someone is bound to catch me with my face and a wet-nap in my armpit.
#2: It's going to be very hard to explain.
#3: A mirror may be in order here to fully contend with the extent of the mushed deodorant.
And #4: I look like an asshole.

I trot off to the bathroom to further investigate the situation.

By this point, i'm awful proud of myself for having something like a Shout Wipe to get rid of the shmutz under my arms and take off my shirt to do the job right (It's ok, i have a camisole on underneath). However, i didn't realize just how WET these little wipes ARE. But i think, No Problem! I can just dry my shirt under the hand-dryers here in the bathroom!

I look around.

Lo, but there are no hand-dryers. They probably haven't been here since 2002. Disappointment.

I try blotting the moisture out with a paper towel and put my top back on.

Now i look like i've been sweating profusely, seemingly, just from sitting in my cubicle all morning with these giant sweat rings under my arms. The white gunk is gone, but now i'm left a sweaty, sweaty pig.

I will still need to keep my arms down all day. Oh, and chuck that damned INVISIBLE! deodorant. Really, Dove, who are we kidding.

*Read: catching up on my Google Reader.

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  • It could be worse. You could be the actress in the Secret commercial who has to walk around flashing her pits and behaving like a half-wit. "High five! I don't even know that guy!"

    By Anonymous flurrious, at 9/08/2008 3:44 PM  

  • I feel that this is something that would definitely happen to me...

    For the future, I vaguely remember some deodorant-removing tip that had to do with rubbing the schmutzy side of your clothing against something else dry... so the deodorant has somewhere to go, and will hopefully get stuck to the other item. I don't know if this works, though, so maybe don't try it in public.

    By Blogger Jess, at 9/08/2008 4:36 PM  

  • I'm sorry, I really shouldn't laugh at your pain, but your whole narrative is really funny.

    I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I'm pretty sure all of us have had to deal with armpit schmutz at some point in our lives. For me, that "some point" occurs at least once a month. Stupid. "Invisible." Solids.

    By Blogger Cassie, at 9/08/2008 7:27 PM  

  • I'm not laughing at you... I'm laughing near you.

    (funny story)

    By Anonymous TwoBusy, at 9/09/2008 8:21 AM  

  • Yeah, those Tide pens are also great for stuff like when I spill coffee on the front of my shirt, but then I look like I'm an even bigger slob with a giant wet mark on my boobs all morning. We can't win!

    By Blogger nancypearlwannabe, at 9/11/2008 11:20 AM  

  • I think I read on a deodorant package once in tiny print with an asterisk under invisible "Do not overapply". Apparently if you overapply, it is no longer invisible. Apparently the definition of overapply is "using enough to actually prevent you from stinking if you sweat".

    I guess I'd rather have white marks on my shirt than stink. :)

    By Blogger 3carnations, at 9/11/2008 2:25 PM  

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