"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Monday, September 24, 2007

Something smells like... is that sewage?

I feel like it's about time i got back on the diet wagon. It's been awhile since i've been off, and i think that it probably shows... a little too easily. Yeah.

Since this last dieting post here, i've maybe not followed my own advice and of course, gained back all of the weight i lost the last time i was on Weight Watchers. Evil, evil Weight Watchers... Apparently, i can't help myself from eating all the donuts without thinking about points, or at least looking like i eat whole boxes of donuts. Which i don't by the way. Just to clarify.

So! New plan! This time, i have to get myself together because Cousin G is getting MARRIED. Holy crap, married. They've been dating for like 2 years less than TheBoy and I have been (HELLOOO - save up your stupid money - we're on FOUR YEARS NOW*) and I can't believe it because for my entire life, i thought i would be first to walk down the aisle. And quite frankly, i think she thought so, too.

But alas, just a bridesmaid for now, so i should probably do my duty and at least look half-way decent in the bridesmaid gown. I owe that to her, right? Maybe look better than the bride? Outshine? No?

I kid. Obviously. That would be awful and obnoxious of me and i'm just not that kind of girl. P'shaw. Though, that seems to be the kind of toxic relationship she and i have had for the past 4 years or so, so i don't know if it would be totally out of the question.

But no! I'm not going to be like that, of course! I just want to look nice in a strapless gown, because - i've never ever worn anythign strapless and it kind of scares the crap out of me.

Maybe there's a girl out there that still reads here that will understand. Gah, strapless. Oh, wait, here - let me find a picture of the dress.. it's really not that bad:




















Pretty, right? I mean, for a bridesmaid dress and all. Though the color of the dress will be a dark chocolate brown with the sash being the champagne color of the dress pictured here.

I can guarantee that i will not look as snotty as this model. Nor, as thin. But whatever. She just looks frighteningly pissed off to be at whatever stupid wedding she's in, you know? Like the cesspool backed up in the reception hall or something. Or maybe the groom is her ex-boyfriend and she was asked to be in the wedding party because they KNEW she was going to crash ANYWAY and i mean, she DID give this guy one of her kidneys, so they at least OWED her this. ...Though, she also kind of looks like she gave up a couple of ribs to fit in this dress.

SHE GAVE HIM HER RIBS.

Whatever. It's a nice dress.

And i have to look like her by April 19th.

There.

*TheBoy knows the deal here. If only those things weren't so darn expensive, we'd have been engaged a couple of years ago. Mostly because he's wanted it. Stupid money.

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16 Comments:

  • Hi. I just found your blog, so I don't know how much you've talked about dieting and what not, but I do know a thing or two about strapless bridesmaid dresses and wearing them with a "full figure." It horrified me, but mostly because I have the kind of full figure with the enormous hooters. Let me tell you, I did out shine the bride, but mostly because everyone stared at my cleavage. And, they continue to stare at my cleavage because my boobs are hooterific in all the wedding pictures. Thusly, I advise (if you have the boobies) that you get the dress tailored so that it sits high on the chest. A strapless turtleneck perhaps?

    By Blogger Flibberty, at 9/24/2007 1:56 PM  

  • Fibberty - Hey there! Luckily, i'm not the one who is going to have the most trouble. The maid of honor (who is terribly NOT ME) is a big girl. With a whole lot of cleavage.. last i heard her bra cup was a size H.
    Like, holy crap.

    So - mostly, this dress has been chosen to work with her needs and apparently, she's gotten dresses like this to work for her in the past. I really don't know how, cause she's got a lot of boob. I was told not even to look at empire waist dresses cause there was no way she would be able to get all of herself into that amount of material.
    A strapless turtleneck? Sounds just like something i would like. :)

    By Blogger claire, at 9/24/2007 2:15 PM  

  • I have the kind of full figure with the small boobs, and I wore a strapless dress at my sister's wedding, and it was fine. Actually, everyone complimented me on how great I looked, even my really critical aunts. I was the maid of honor and when I had to dance with the best man, he was afraid to hold my waist because he thought he was going to pull the dress down. But he didn't have to worry, because that thing was secure. I liked it so much that I'm 99% sure I'm going to go strapless with my dress in my own wedding.

    I agree with Flibberty that regardless of chest size, you want a higher cut so you don't have to worry about leaning over. And not having straps isn't such a big deal with a dress like this because it'll be tailored to fit you perfectly.

    Also, I'm on WW too, and I have been for three months, and so far it's been great and I would never describe it as evil. So I'm excited to find someone else on a health plan so that I can have company. Good luck... I'm sure you'll look great in the dress.

    By Blogger Jess, at 9/24/2007 2:26 PM  

  • Jess - Hi, i just went and checked out your WW post and found that you lost 28 lbs in 3 months?? That's pretty incredible, dude, good for you. You're post (3 gallons of milk and whatever sticks of butter) has kind of kicked me into gear with this stupid WW registration.
    Yeah, i'm not terribly worried about teh dress. If i can find the *necessary* and *appropriate* underwear, i'll be fine. You know, one of those bra/corset dealies. I got to use one when we tried the dresses on and that seemed to work some magic.

    By Blogger claire, at 9/24/2007 3:34 PM  

  • Heh. Ribs. But don't think of ribs, now, or you'll get hungry.

    That's actually a pretty nice bridesmaids' dress, as these things go. Personally, I prefer when the bridesmaids don't have to be all matchy-matchy, but then I've refused to wear a dress for ages. I wore one for my sister's wedding, like, 12 years ago, but all the weddings I've been a member of the party in since then have been lesbian weddings, so I could wear a nice suit.

    ANYway, I'm sure you will look great. Hell, when you consider how casual daily life is nowadays, I think people are thrilled just to see each other dressed up a little. And if you need to cover some cleavage, can you wear a little shawl?

    By Blogger Da Nator, at 9/24/2007 4:26 PM  

  • Cover cleavage? Is that legal?

    How come I never get invited to the weddings/events with shiny, hooterific girls?

    By Blogger Rimshot, at 9/24/2007 4:32 PM  

  • I was just in my friend's wedding, and the dresses were strapless. I was most concerned about my wavey arms, but I had to let that go because, dude, my arms are fat and that's no secret to anyone. I may have been able to let it go sooner, though, had the shop owner not asked me if I was pregnant, and the seamstress not told me, "I not take in too much, or THIS hang over," as she grabbed handfulls of my back and armpit flab. Erm, but I'm sure you don't have any back and armpit flab and will look beautiful.

    By Blogger Jessica, at 9/24/2007 6:10 PM  

  • I so did not mean to direct this comment section towards all things cleavage related, so my apologies there. I do believe that lots and lots of women are scared of the strapless dress, but it seems to have a very forgiving cut in most ways and thereby many a woman wind up pleasantly pleased! I think that's why so many people choose strapless dresses for wedding gowns. Now, about this dieting thing . . . how much are you trying to lose? I can't diet anymore (too many years of obsessive dieting) so I started the couch to 5K and while I no longer weigh myself, I have managed to fit into my cloths signficantly better . . .

    By Blogger Flibberty, at 9/24/2007 6:14 PM  

  • Claire--Yes, 28 pounds in 3 months. I had a very high starting weight, and it's always easier to lose a lot of weight at the beginning when you're heavier because it takes so many calories to maintain that weight. I think 28 pounds in 3 months is fairly unusual. But I know lots of people who had much lower starting weights who still had great success with WW. As long as you're committed to it and don't cheat, it really works. I'm glad I helped motivate you to get started!

    By Blogger Jess, at 9/24/2007 7:07 PM  

  • That dress looks like it might hide a lot of sins, so I think you will be ok. Not that you have a lot to hide! I just meant that it looks like a decent dress. I am sure you will outshine the bride, but accidentally. Then it's ok, right? =)

    By Blogger -R-, at 9/24/2007 9:59 PM  

  • For whatever it's worth, your kidney/ribs scenario made me laugh out loud.

    By Anonymous TwoBusy, at 9/25/2007 10:52 AM  

  • da nator - i'm not really so concerned with the cleavage. i'm more concerned about looking lumpy above the neckline. arms and whatever squishiness there may be. meh. there are going to be women on the groom's side of the party, which is somewhat non-traditional. in fact, the best man is a chick. from what i understand, she'll be wearing the same bridesmaid dress, only black.

    rimshot - you should probably make friends with more hooterific girls. chances are pretty good that you'll get to see them in busty dresses. or if you make it to NY in April, you'll get to see a size H cup in a strapless dress... defying gravity.

    jessica - GOD that's what i'm most concerned about, too. i can't believe the evil dress ladies did that to you. i would have been seeing red. awful.

    flibberty - eh, there's nothing wrong with cleavage, i always say... i'm looking to lose about 30 - 40 lbs. i think. i don't know, it's kind of hard to tell if that would look too weird. i sort of tried the couch to 5K thing and failed miserably. I'd really like to try again, though. so lazy.

    jess - yeah, i lost a bunch with WW the first time around. but then i got bored and frustrated. i was stupid to give up, because i could probably be much happier now.

    -R- - the dress does hide a lot of sins. it is an A-line with a crinoline underneath which hides my miserable ass. Which is why i fought for this one. As long as it's accidental, i will not get in trouble. :)

    By Blogger claire, at 9/25/2007 10:55 AM  

  • twobusy - well, look at her! either she's a wretched person, or she's really pissed off about something. or really, really hungry.

    By Blogger claire, at 9/25/2007 10:57 AM  

  • ooh, the dress is pretty. I wore something similar for my uncle's wedding but without the sash bit and in a hideous shade of gold that totally ruined it. Yours is way better and I love the champagne colour. At the time I was a lot thinner than I am now and not on the pill so I had no breasts whatsoever and was terrified of not being able to hold it up! The wire bits in the top were shaped as if someone with curves was supposed to pour themselves into it. Looking at the pictures though it looks fine, except for the colour! Every girl I know, whatever size, gets paranoid about strapless tops but I think they can flatter any size particularly if you're getting it fitted specially for you.

    Strapless turtleneck. Hee hee.

    By Blogger violetforthemoment, at 9/25/2007 3:26 PM  

  • oh, and I'm accepting application for hooterific female friends...or not so hooterific is ok too. One can never have too many friends.

    By Blogger Rimshot, at 9/26/2007 1:52 PM  

  • that model totally just realized that her period started.

    with 'size h from outer space' in the wedding party nobody's going to notice you, the bride, or anything else. shave your pits and you're good.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 9/26/2007 10:20 PM  

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