"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Friday, September 29, 2006

Screech = Stud.


So by now, we've all heard about the Dustin Diamond sex tape, yes? And if you haven't, here's one of many articles in today's papers: Here.

First of all? Just by his name alone, I think we all could have seen his upcoming porn career when he was a dorky kid who was somehow befriended by the cool kids in school. Which not for nothing, was a lot of horse shit then, as much as it is now. I was not a fan of "Saved by the Bell", so maybe I'm not so traumatized over the whole thing.

Second? I LOVE this snippet of the article in Newsday:

"Entertainment agent David Hans Schmidt acquired the rights to the video, which features Diamond in a menage a trois with two women. Although most of the raunchy details have been kept under wraps, word is that some "bodily functions" and the "Dirty Sanchez" are featured acts in the sex romp."

They used the term "Dirty Sanchez" in a newspaper. It just makes me, I don't know, wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard and then try to stifle it because I'm at work and shouldn't be laughing about Dustin Diamond and his Dirty Sanchez sex tape.

I love the media. It's so... enriching.

Sigh.. now I can go on with my day. Thank you, Dustin.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Co-workers and Controversy

There is some decidedly weird shit going on around here.

Last Friday, the co-worker in the nextdoor cubicle just up and left. No warning, no notice, nothing. Just dropped her letter of resignation and ID badge on Boss's desk and ran out the door. It was so weird and unexpected, especially since she and I were pretty friendly. No one knows what happened and those of us who considered her a friend are all pretty worried. Especially since she is not accepting phone calls or anything. So weird. And so unlike her, she's usually the 'professional' one - normally has to handle everything in a certain way - you know the type. And it just made my stomach churn all day Friday.


And besides, I was supposed to be the one to leave, dammit. Now I'm stuck here all alone and she just might have made it harder for me to abandon the place since she got the fuck out with no warning.

But it doesn't really matter anyway. The job search is at full half-throttle and I'm sending out my newly remastered resume, compliments of S, who helped me tremendously - really, thank you. And so far... nothing. Not a single damn response other than the auto-generated ones you get from some companies. I even replied to an add where they will pay me in horseback riding lessons* for some office work and not even they have contacted me. The don't even want to pay me nothing for me to come work for them.


In other news, this week is the American Library Associations Banned Books Week. Read a book that has been challenged this week to celebrate your freedom to, you know, read. Something controversial like, oh... The Great Gatsby ...or... Gone with the Wind... you know, something really dirty.

Granted, those two were challenged a long time ago, right? Like when showing your bare ankles was racy.

Ok, then how about, To Kill a Mockingbird which is still being challenged this year?

What the fuck.

Interestingly, "according to ALA, at least 42 of the Radcliffe Publishing Course Top 100 Novels of the 20th Century have been the target of ban attempts". Check out that list of books. Many of them are in middle & high school curricula all over the country.

This just shows that parents have had a stick up their ass about what their children are reading for years now.

On the Top 100 list: James and the Giant Peach
Seriously? Were there homo-erotic undertones that I don't remember?

Perhaps the most risque' of them all: Where's Waldo?

What the fuck.

*Just as a weekend thing. Shut up, I've always wanted to take horseback riding lessons and I never could before. I will gladly answer phones and file papers in exchange for horseback riding. If I could live on the love of horses and saddle sores, I would gladly do it full time. But you know. Priorities.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Shiver me timbers and avast ye scurvy chumbucket and the like

Yarrr!!! And a Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day to you, mateys!

For fun, why don't ye stop in and Find ye inner Pirate?

Or maybe ye'd like to find out what your Pirate Name be?
Today, I'm "Plank Monkey Doris", um, apparently... heh.

Um... Hooray! For Talk Like a Pirate Day! Yarrrr!!!!

What are you doing for Talk Like a Pirate Day? Anything? Anyone? ...Hello?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Ceramics jokes! I rock!

Not much to report from this weekend. It was pretty lame, actually.

On Saturday, I decided to go in to the bedroom to take a nap around 5:30pm. I didn't get back up until 9:00 the next morning. I'm thinking that is way too long to take for a nap. I'm thinking, no one really needs to sleep that much. I'm thinking I may have wasted a good portion of the weekend that way. Also, I may have aggravated something in my lower back, because ouch. Did I really have some good wholesome pain when I got up in the morning.

Though, I did do something productive before the Great Sleep. On Saturday morning I went out to shop for the supplies I need for the last and final class I need to graduate this semester. Since all I had left to take was an unrestricted elective, I decided that an underwater basketweaving class was in order.

Ceramics 1. Ah, pottery. Molding clay with my bare hands. Its a wonderful, therapeutic hobby that will give me an easy A to keep my GPA in good standing and will require absolutely zero in regards to homework or studying or anything academic. After taking two summer semesters, I decided this was a great idea, giving me time to just relax before making the big where-the-hell-do-I-go-from-here decision, in regard to my bachelors.

Except that I was wrong. So very wrong. Its a 4 hour class, first of all, and there are more people in the class than seats so we're all kind of on top of each other at the little work tables. Doesn't exactly give you room to roll out your clay (I know these artistic terms as I already took this class in high school. Shhhh... don't tell. I are a expert.) But she also gave us an assignment. A term paper. I have to write a paper for Ceramics, for crissakes. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid.

She also wants us to keep a sketchbook. Something I haven't done since my horrific introduction to advanced-placement art in the 8th grade, an experience which ruined my artistic ability and dried out any creative juices that were flowing anywhere in my vicinity. (Not the sketchbook, mind you, the class in itself was a horror show. I hated that woman, and still do. (Deep breaths.)) I can't draw anymore and I wasn't expecting to HAVE to draw. She's going to grade us on it and I'm not exactly sure what kind of Monet she's expecting from this group of people, half of which are Liberal Arts majors (like myself) with no talent, whatsoever.

The class, itself, is just one giant hen-party. There is one guy in a sea of women, and you can tell that all of his testosterone has been beaten out of him at some point in his life. He keeps referring to his 'girlfriend' but I don't think anyone believed him. There was another guy who was sitting next to me at the beginning of the class while the professor was giving her lecture (um, for 2 hours) and occasionaly I would take note of his facial expressions. There was no way he was coming back next week; the look of pain and disgust on his face was quite entertaining. He didn't even make it back after our 10 minute break. I heard him in the hallway on his cellphone and it sounded like he was on the phone with his parents trying to convince them that he didn't need the class and wanted to drop it. Poor kid. Crumbled under the pressure*.

But back to me. On Saturday I went to purchase all of the tools that I'll need for this class. Funny enough, all they provide for you in the class is the fucking clay. Genius! So they send you out to buy all of the crap you'll need, which most of us will never use ever again. I spent about $50 at the art supply store and then went to 3 other stores to find a missing item on the list that I'll also never need again and still didn't find it. How disappointing! YAY!

We did get to make a pot in the second half of the class, though. It was fun. If I get it back, maybe I'll post a picture of the sad thing.

She told me it will probably break during firing.


*Get it? Crumbled?? That a pottery joke, folks. HAR HAR!!!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Four days later...

I don't know why I've been putting off this update for the entire week, because really, we got back from Montauk on Sunday night. I have not been in the mood to do anything this week. Its such a shame when you get all worn out from nothing in particular and just want to crawl under your desk and nap the entire day away. Especially this week. It has gotten so cold up here, its a little weird. Like Fall has suddenly taken over without any warning and even though I like the Fall, I am just not ready to be wearing long sleeves and turtle necks. It is kind of depressing.


Our weekend was lovely. Really lovely. I wish we could have spent more time out east, maybe when it was still kind of warm and lay around on the beach all day, but of course, I really couldn't afford it. Even in September, when the rates are supposedly reduced it was freaking expensive. But, its a beach resort town and there's nothing you can do about it, except take it up the ass because you want to go to the freaking beach.
Which we did. And it was pretty crowded, considering how cold it was on Saturday. I mean, brrrr, cold. We laid around for a little while, but decided that it just wasn't worth it and went back to the hotel to swim in the pool which was warmer and much less crowded. I like that in a pool. Also, no sharks there to speak of.

The motel that we stayed at is one that we've been going to for the past 3 summers. Mostly because its usually the most affordable, and also because we don't know any better. From what I understand, they're all basically the same out there and I'm not a snob, I just need a bed to sleep in and a potty to use. But the rooms are damp. Like, did it rain in here? damp. I've been told they're all that way, and its just what you get for staying in a motel on the water in Montauk. So, I can deal with that. The decor is really pretty awesome, high-glaze wooden wall-paneling as far as the eye can see and exceptionally tacky art:

These gems were hanging over the bed. I'm not sure if its supposed to mean something, but man, did those guys get me in the mood. Yowza.

Sunday was probably the nicest day we were out there, which is standard for the day you're leaving. We drove out to the lighthouse, which is what you're supposed to do when you go out to Montauk - its mandatory, I think. So, here:

We didn't actually go IN or anything because its kind of expensive, especially since someone (ahem) has a fear of heights and wouldn't be able to climb to the top anyway. And I've already done it, so we didn't miss out on anything.

Instead, we took a left and hiked down the path to the beach. Which, not for nothing, was much cooler than going to the lighthouse. No joke:

And I got this shot, which I think made the rock-climb all worth it (clicky for bigger):

It was really beautiful climbing over all of the huge boulders that they have put around the base of the lighthouse (they've had trouble with erosion and I think this was their solution).


On our drive home, I spotted this and had to get a picture of it.

That's a Bentley, people. A Bentley. Ugh... The Hamptons. Full of people who can drive Bentleys.

On another note, a friend of mine used to say that when she grew up she wanted to BE a Bentley.
I guess we all have our aspirations.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The traffic through the Hamptons is going to suck.

Hooray for getaways. Even if they're short ones. This weekend for The Boy's birthday (which is tomorrow), we're going out to Montauk, the eastern most part of Long Island. We're going for a little bit of this:

And maybe a little bit of this:

Some of this?

Probably not... that can be expensive. And these guys seem a little overzealous with their fish-hanging.

Most likely there will be a bit of this:
But it would be really cool to see some of this:

But i doubt that would happen, either.

Hopefully we'll find this guy. It looks like his ankles are broken and might need some saving:

Overall, i'm looking forward to relaxing on the beach, doing some hiking and forgetting about these guys for a couple of days:

They look like little angels, don't they?

Mmmm. Not so much.

They'll have a nice vacation, too, at their Doggy Daycare place. They'll be "overnight campers" and have lots of others to play with and will hopefully come home tired and all worn out. They're the best when they're sleeping.

You know.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bad day bad day bad day

I hate Tuesdays that are really Mondays, or Mondays that are disguised as Tuesdays or whatever today is.

This 1st day back from a long weekend is really, really sucking and problems keep coming up at workplace and I want to scream.

There's nothing anyone else can do, because all of this shit falls on me and I am doing my best to keep it all together.

So instead of dealing with all that shit, I'm going to waste some time here. LALALALALALALA


Yesterday I found out that I can only do about 5 push-ups at a time, and that's even doing them on my knees like a girl. 10 per day seems to be my limit and after just that, I am sore in my upper arms and chest. The soreness makes it hard to bring this beautiful, sweet coffee up to my lips, the only thing keeping me upright this morning. But maybe, afterall, that is a good thing because then I won't be able to reach my face to eat today.

I had these absurd aspirations of getting up 20 minutes early this morning and going for a jog, or even a walk, but that was dashed when I didn't hear the alarm go off this morning and woke up at 6:40. Late. Again. Bah.

Since its cooler today than normal, I am wearing long pants instead of my summer uniform which had consisted of capri-length pants. Obviously the capris were either stretched out from 3 months of wear because these pants are feeling slightly snug in the ass-area. Apparently all of the weight I had dropped last winter has come back. Well, most of it anyway.

My ass has grown.

Damn you, ass.

This will be the Fall of Fitness, all. I HAVE to. I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. Cruise is in 3 months. Must shrink ass. Must not look like cruiseline whale-mascot while I'm laying in the sun on the main deck. Will develop exercise regimen. WILL NOT LET ASS OVERCOME!

Though, I can't join a gym because I can't afford it. And even if I could, when the hell would I actually go. I can't even get up early to waddle around the block. I'm certainly not going to get up early, drive myself someplace where there are other people. Gah, no.

Jogging! Stomach crunches! Leg lifts! Push-ups! YES! Weeeeeee!!!

Coffee? Where'd the coffee go...?

Friday, September 01, 2006

I hate this

Why does blogger say that it is "Automatically Saving" my draft? When it doesn't? When you get shut down and lose the post you were working on and then can't find it because there's no such thing as Automatically Saving on Blogger? Why and what the fuck?

Alright. I'll probably re-write it later, but now I've lost the mood.


I was reading through some old e-mails looking for something and was perusing the hundreds of messages my cousin, G, and I used to send back and forth. I save all of my email, well, except for spam and such, but for the most part, everything. It is kind of like a journal. I started working here in 2000, so my company e-mail archives are pretty extensive and just looking through the 2000 - 2003 emails between G and I are interesting to go through. She and I were so close through those 3 years and to think that we've barely spoken in the past 2 years is really upsetting. I guess we've grown apart for the time being, but I know there are ultimately concrete reasons why we're so distant.

Cold, really. She is very cold with me.

And it is sad. Sometimes a little lonely. She was always the person who knew me better than anyone and would always understand. But now, we're on different paths and speaking different languages. I don't really know what is going on in her personal life anymore, though I assume she is happy. She doesn't know much about me anymore, though I assume she feels that she is doing better than I am. There's been an unspoken competition between us since we were children that was instilled on us by our (fucked up) family. Our fathers, being brothers, grew up with the same competitive situation, which I can only imagine was because of my grandparents. They weren't exactly the warmest people I knew, and were a source of discomfort for me growing up, but that is another story altogether. I always tried to push the rivalry out of my friendship with G, because I knew where it stemmed from and knew that it had no place in our relationship.

Jealousy breeds contempt. I know that G felt like she was dealt a shittier hand than I and sometimes had a hard time coming to terms with her past. Her divorced parents were way less stable than mine (who are also divorced, just not as wacky) and caused her a lot of pain and stress that she had to work through. It was hard. Always hard for her. She was usually single. In fact, I don't think she dated anyone all through college, while I had a pretty steady stream of long-term boyfriends.

Inevitably, I think the last guy (The Boy) is the reason she's not speaking to me. She felt abandoned because I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. And I did. I cut off the rest of the world when I met The Boy, as did he, but she took it very personally as if I were attacking her with my absence. At the time, I was just angry that she couldn't understand.

Now, I just read the e-mails between us. The things that were going on in our lives in 2002 when we were both single and spending all of our time with each other while she was at college. It was really a great time and I miss the connection I had with her. Real girlfriends are hard to come by for me, especially ones that are on the same wavelength.

Now she IMs me occasionally, though not usually for anything personal. In fact, this just popped up:

G: just letting you know, Brian Regan is going to be at Lincoln center, Nov. 11....B and I and some others are going
me: I know, I found it yesterday. E & I are going with M and J
I didn't know you were a fan
G: yeah

Chilly. Sparce.

Instead of something like this from 2002:

good morning!!!, you knowi'm still all screwed up.
so did you get to work on time today? I hope you did.
have you been doing anything lately (in the 2 days I haven't seen you) i'm not sure if i'm going ot come see you. it dempends on how much I get done this morning. maybe tomorrow would be better then I can tell you bout my interview. yeah I think tomorrow would be better, is that ok? good.
talk to ya later

A little different.

Ugh.. she would probably kill me if she knew about this. I want to fix it, but then i also know that it will never be the same. Our lives are different and neither of us have the same time that we did then. We are both living with our boyfriends, working, etc and have different friends.

Its just upsetting to me that i probably could have prevented it.