"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Real quick

I can just listen to this "The Google" stuff all day. Couldn't you? It just warms the cockles of my heart, it does.

Go ahead, watch it for yourself on the internets.

Our fearless leader... he prefers to look at maps on the google rather than, say... on a live satelite feed. Cause you know. He's the president. And should be using something somewhat more sophisticated than the google maps.

I dunno. Just me, maybe.

Monday, October 30, 2006

I talk about interesting things like my lunch.

I just did a really stupid thing.

I have no money on me today. I mean I have a few big bills in my purse, but those are strictly slated for deposit so that my damn checks won't bounce - but otherwise, I have no money. Some pocket change, but really nothing.
My next-door cube mate asked if I wanted to order lunch to be delivered from the deli around the corner. I said I’d love to, but I have no cash and she offered to pay and I promised to pay her back tomorrow when I have real money.

So the deli guy came with our order - Cubemate was out of the office and left me $20 to pay the Deli Guy just in case he came while she was out. Might I mention it was the only money she had on her as well?


"Comes to $18.66" mumbles Deli Guy, "I have change of a 20, here."
"Ok, all I have is 20... Mostly in singles, so... 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Here you go. No, no change." I smile and hand over all of Cubemate's cash.
"Really? Well, thanks! That's awfully generous." Says Deli guy as he waves and walks, quickly, out the door.

And here I am left thinking, Generous? Really? Since when is $1.44 generous for a tip?

So I pick up the bag of sandwiches and the bill, which is attached... "Huh. Total, $13.66. Yeah."

I heard him wrong and didn't bother looking at the damn bill. He didn't really stiff me. I feel like such an asshole, especially since it’s not my damn money. I am normally a really good tipper. Really. I really am. But $6.44 for a $13 bill is a little excessive - especially since it's not like the deli is far; it's right around the damn corner.

I jumped up and down in my cubicle and screamed obscenities at the bag of food like a crazy person*.

We didn't even get the right stuff.

I better get some free food out of this down the line.

Some people might have run after Deli Guy and gotten their money back. Maybe explaining that they don't listen too well and that they didn't mean to give him such a HA HA big tip. But not me, I couldn't possibly do that. Because it's just rude. Sorry, mister, you're not worth a whole $6.44 - could I have like 4 of that back? Please? Thank you... No, I couldn't possibly.

Cubemate doesn't know that I gave away all of her money (especially since they gave us the wrong stuff and she would FLIP if I gave them more money and they fucked up the order (probably my fault, too)) because I found $5.00 hidden in my desk drawer that doesn't necessarily belong to me, but for today's sake? It is magical hidden change from a certain Deli Guy that doesn't deserve a $6.44 tip.

*No, I am not exaggerating.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Perhaps you'd like another meme?

Well, no one liked the rollerskating nuns, so it looks like i'll have to try another approach. (But.. look! They're playing pool! What, no? Fine.)

Here's a meme from my new imaginary friend, Cassie. She was an English major, so i'll try not to sully up this meme with my crap 'literature':

1) One book that changed your life: On the Road, by Jack Kerouac (changed, mostly because this book was instrumental in getting to know TheBoy before we started dating).

2) One book that you’d read more than once:
The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer-Bradley (I. Love. This. Book. LOVE IT)

3) One book you’d want on a deserted island:
Survive on a Desert Island, by Claire Llewellyn (obviously)

4) One book that made you laugh: A Certain Chemistry, by Mil Millington (of Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About fame – which also made me laugh).

5) One book that made you cry: The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams (it still makes me cry. Shut up).

6) One book you wish you’d written: Uh… really...um…? How about The DaVinci Code, because it was so damn successful.

7) One book you wish had never been written: Anything written by Ann Coulter. Pick one. Pick them all… doesn’t matter.

8) One book you’re currently reading: The Wonders of the Invisible World, by David Gates. It’s a book of short stories – I like the way he writes. You find yourself getting sucked in even though they’re only 15 or 20 pages long.

9) One book you’ve been meaning to read: I have complained forever that I am not as well-read as I should be. I blamed my high school curriculum for not being as intensive as, say, any of the other district in the county.

Now at age 25 it is my fault, not theirs, and I’m trying to get all of my classics in, I don’t know, before it die.

I need to read: Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice (I know), The Grapes of Wrath (which I own, but haven’t cracked yet), Anna Karenina (which I also own), The Picture of Dorian Gray, anything by Vonnegut, some Dickens, Hemmingway… How about: Most of what you read in high school and college English classes. That’s what I need to read. Because I am ambitious, but un-disciplined. I never even read Animal Farm. EVERYONE read Animal Farm. Gah.

10) Tag five people: Ur, how about 4. Tagging: Da Nator, First Nations, Minijonb and Orelinde… if you don’t want to do it, I won’t cry. I promise.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Hilarious Okra*

Last night, TheBoy and I ventured into Target on a search for a sheet of foam core that I need to make a pattern for my next ceramics project**. Since Target has everything one could ever need, (and more than you could want), it was a good choice since all of the office supply stores close at 6:00 on Sundays. Also, I am terribly lazy and didn't even get dressed until about 4:30 yesterday afternoon.

It proves to be difficult, if not impossible, to leave Target with only the thing you went in for because not only did we find foam core, but also a two-pack of compressed canned air (for electronics, of course) and this:

Because. Because it's Nuns.
Having Fun.

Sadly, I can't find any of the monthly pictures from this year's calendar, but here are some from last year's:
You can see what the draw is here, can't you? I mean, Nuns, people. Nuns Having Fun.

At least, that was what TheBoy's argument was. Why we HAD to have this.
Look! Nuns!

Sometimes you know you've got a good one...


In other news, we carved our jack-o-lantern yesterday with TheBoy's SmallOnes. It was actually a lot more fun than I thought it would be and didn't makes nearly as much of a mess as I was preparing myself for. You know how gross pumpkin slime can be. Ew.

Carving, courtesy of TheBoy. Design by SmallBoy, age 8 (assisted by SmallGirl, age 11) and pumpkin seeds sorted, salted and toasted by yours truly.

While I was toasting the seeds, I got into the spirit by lighting a "Spiced Cider" candle which combined with the pumpkin smell, made everything smell like pumpkin pie. Was truly autumny and yummy smelling. But I'm kind of a sucker for cinnamon and clove, so maybe I'm just biased.

Oh, but the miracle of miracles? SmallBoy actually liked the pumpkin seeds.

For reference, this is the kid who doesn't like ice cream. Nuff said.

*This was the subject of a spam mail I received this morning. I thought it was too good to pass up. What happened to the sex pills and penile enlargement adverts I used to get? They're all short stories now. Strange.

**For those that are interested? Will be a 6-sided bowl. Fancy. Like everything I do.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Crap today

Thing the 1st: I have finally almost finished my first ceramics project and I'm very happy to report that it doesn't entirely suck. I'm almost proud of it. Maybe its because I worked so damn hard on it to make it as perfect as I possibly could with very little experience in ceramics. Since I am not brave enough to bring my camera into class and take pictures of my Ceramics I art project (like I'm some kind of ARTIST or something), here is a comparable picture of the thing I made.
Except picture mine rounder on the bottom. And taller. Also probably a bit narrower at the base. Um, and without the stopper thing shoved in the top. And the color of clay.
And you will know exactly what my pot looks like right now.
Hopefully sometime this week they'll fire it and then I can glaze it. I'm not sure what color to do, but I kind of dig this yellow. Who knows. Not I.

Thing the 2nd: I am currently putting off going upstairs to someone's birthday thing who I don't necessarily like, but I feel kind of like I have to go up there and get some cake or something. Wish her a happy birthday and be social with the people I work with. But I just don't fucking want to. Its always so awkward when you get all of these people together in the same room. You know we don't like each other and everyone makes these uncomfortable laughing noises at nothing in particular. I guess it's to make us feel like we're not unsociable freaks.

But we are. And I'm not going. I am going to be the wretched one who didn't go to her birthday thing. And I don't care.

Thing the 3rd: Have you seen leekspin.com? I don't know why, but for some ungodly reason, I find it hypnotic. And maybe a little soothing. It is totally weird.
I've been spinning for 03:56:04.
Yes. I. Have.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Halloween Meme thingy

I was tagged with this here meme (my first ever!) by DaNator and am ever so excited to share with all of you. Enjoy, now.

1. whats the scariest movie you've ever seen?

My scariest movies are only scary by proxy.
See, cause i don't watch scary movies. Because i can't handle it. I CAN'T DEAL WITH IMAGINARY FEAR. Chocolate Syrup and Ketchup. Doesn't matter. That's how sad i am.
One movie (that comes to mind) that scared the ever-loving crap out of me: The Blair Witch Project.

I KNOW. Blair Witch. Even with knowing that it was fake, even with the snot rolling out her nose, the end scene with the kid-hand-prints all over the walls and shit? SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I couldn't be in the woods at night for at least a year after that movie. Sometimes, even in the bright sunny daytime i would break a blood vessel just from thinking about it.

2. what was your favorite halloween costume as a child?
My cousin, G, and I had made a penguin costume that was the jinkiest. I even had little felt shoe-covers that looked like penguin feet. Was so cool.

3. if you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this halloween?
I want to be a VW Microbus.

4. when was the last time you went trick or treating?
Way too long after it wasn't considered cool anymore. Probably 14? Ah, but we had fun. It involved eggs, i think...

5. whats your favorite halloween candy?
Ooh.. Snickers.... It's almost time for Snickers... and Almond Joys and Mounds... mmmm gglgllaahahhaharrr..... Peanut Butter Cups... and ah.. Snickers...

6. recount a scary nightmare you had
My nightmares usually consist of me trying to run from something and me not being able to clearly see where i'm going. It doesn't matter if i'm walking, running or driving - i just can't see anything. It's kind of like i've forgotten to put on my glasses. I don't know if that consists of a nightmare, but it can be scary. The waking up in a cold sweat-nightmares are usually from dreaming that someone i love has died in some horrible accident. Occasionally i get shot in my dreams or there are the ones where i am trying to fight off a vicious attacker and i can't seem to get any power whatsoever behind my punches. Like i'm putting all of my strength in them and i just seem to brush his shirt with my fist.
But usually i just dream of ponies.

7. what is your supernatural fear?
Oh, god, just about anything. Aliens, ghosts, vampires, zombies. And i sometimes choose to believe that they exist, too (except for the vampires and zombies, i'm not that ridiculous). Which is the horror of it all - i can't even tell myself that they don't exist CAUSE I DON'T KNOW. I am my own worst enemy. And was possibly the worst goth-chick ever.

8. what is your creepy crawlie fear?
I hate spiders.
Die, spiders.

9. tell us about a time you saw a ghost, or heard something go bump in the night.
I've already briefly told the Deepwells story on First Nations comments, so here's another one (a long one):
I was very close with my brother's ex-girlfriend. She and i would spend a lot of time together, even when they moved in together, she and i would spend a lot of late nights together chatting after he went to sleep since he had to get up so early. At one point, she had moved back in with her parents (which is a long story and not necessary for this but you know, work with me here) who live in an old house out in Yaphank (east Long Island - which as the stories go, was a Nazi town, btw). For god knows why, i was staying with her there for a couple of days when her parents were away visiting one of her sisters.
She used to tell stories about how when she was a kid, she and her sisters would see and hear some of the previous residents wandering around the house. She would tell stories about how sometimes they would briefly notice children playing in the living room or someone sitting on the couch in the sunroom. But most noticeably, doors. Doors would open and close at will with no provocation. I had been to the house many times before we spent the night there that week, and had never noticed anything, and yet no matter how full the house was of real live people, my nerves would be completely on-end while there only because of the stories. [Note: It doesn't matter if something TRULY is haunted. If you tell me it is, I WILL BELIEVE YOU.] So, of course, that first night i'm there all alone with her, she and I are laying in bed (nothing dirty, you), and doors start slamming. First we hear the back door into the kitchen, *SLAM*
Then in the livingroom, *SLAM*
and then finally, the bedroom door
opens slowly...
and then closes slowly.

10. would you ever stay in a real haunted house overnight?
FUCK no. Unless i really already have. Eh.
Have you seen the commercials for the VH1 show? The Celebrity Paranormal Project or some such shit? They're going to send famous (or quasi-famous) people into a "severely" haunted building to stay the night with cameras and "paranormal detecting devices". Do you believe? What these people will do to get themselves back on TV. Shocking.

11. are you a traditionalist (just a face) or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
I'm actually more of a purist when it comes to my pumpkins. I like them plain and still pumpkinesque. I didn't even like drawing on my pumpkins with magic marker when i was a kid.
Maybe this means i'm anal.

12. how much do you decorate your home for halloween?
As much as possible, really. So far this year, i've got 4 pumpkins (in their whole state) outside with 3 pots of mums that are waiting to go in the ground. The ceramic jack-o-lantern cookie jar is on the dining room table and i have to bring all the rest of the holiday crap up from the basement. There's a bunch more crap. Oh, i have to find that ghost on a stick i bought last year for the front yard... hmm...

13. what do you want on your tombstone?
Tombstone Pizza, Pierre!


Ha! See how open ended i left my ghost story? That's because i am a primo story teller.

What pretty much happened is that we screamed a lot and hid under the covers. I don't recall getting any sleep that night, but who really remembers these things? I don't talk to her anymore, sadly, since she and my brother have broken up. But there is a good chance she has another side to that story. I would be curious to see if she remembers it the way i do. Ah, well.

I tag Jessica and Christine! And anyone else who wants! Go ahead, you know you want to.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I'd like to be... like a manatee.

I did it.

I finally canceled my subscription to Weight Watchers Online.

I used it for about 5 months, but really, who are we kidding. It's been active for a whole year now and I haven't touched it since March. I am treating it like that gym membership I got my second year of college. I went for about a month and then stopped completely. I paid for the damn thing for 2 years. Stupid Lucille Roberts.

I didn't like the way the skinny girls looked at me, ok? And my ass in the store-front window when I was on the treadmill or, god forbid, the Stair Climber? And maybe how the aerobics classes put you on display for the people on the treadmills? It was all very, very bad. I don't want anyone watching my ass while it is moving in such unnatural ways.

I never canceled my Weight Watchers subscription because I must have felt that while it was there and available (and I was paying for it, monthly) that I would always go back to it and start counting up my points and recording my weight and all that shit. But with no account? I would never do it again.

I will just keep getting fatter and fatter until I can't see my feet. Planets will orbit around me because I have canceled my subscription. I will no longer have any will power because there will not be any sort of numbering system keeping me from eating that entire box of doughnuts. I will go to the beach and whales will try to communicate with me. I'll be that one at the chinese buffet the staff whisper about, shiftily glancing at the "All You Can Eat" signs. I will no longer be able to wear pants, but rather pants-like alternatives like perhaps, a very large bath towel.

Maybe I'll just suck it up and not each so much shit, and have this here low-fat yogurt.

I'm pretty sure I can do this on my own and not have to pay $16.95 a month for something I don' t use. It's a great system, absolutely. But you know, only if you actually follow it.


In other news, it smells really bad in my office this morning.

It's an odor that I can only describe as "Provolone". (Think of a cheese that smells like feet, for those of you not in the know. Feet-cheese.)

Apparently it is in the air vents and we're all going to have to suffer through it for a little while.


Friday, October 06, 2006

Now with extra wordiness.

Last Friday night, TheBoy and I went into the city for the last part of his birthday present. I had found such a cool thing that I knew he and I would both love. While tootling around on ticketmaster, I found that The Samples were playing a concert cruise around Manhattan. How freaking cool. A concert on a boat. A boat that tours NY harbor. Fantastic.

Since we were told to be at the pier (at 41st & West Side Hwy) at 7:00pm, which was a little tricky, we figured we would take the train into the city to avoid driving there during rush hour and then take a cab to the pier. We get out at Penn Station and emerge at street level to find that the line at the taxi stand is enormous, so we walk a block or two over to hail a cab. Any cab.

Heellloooo, Cab! Right here! Two people who will pay you to take us somewhere! Cause its your job! Heeelllloooooo!

We keep walking. There are no empty cabs. We stop and wait and look and wait. No empty cabs. We walk another block. A cab! We see someone get out, so we run over. But the driver shakes his head 'no'.
What do you mean no? Are you fucking kidding?
No. No, no he's not.


We keep walking. 2 more blocks.

We hail a cab who stops for us like 30 feet away and some prissy bitch steals it as we're running for it. I scream. I curse her family. If I could bring myself to do it, I would have spit on the cab. But that would be gross.

It is probably important to mention that I had it in my head that day that we would be finding a ride to the Pier and not that we would be walking there. I had on 4 inch heeled suede boots that, while comfortable when you're, I don't know, sitting. Or say, walking across the street. Not so much comfortable while walking 15 blocks. Did I mention that we stood on the train all the way into the city? No I don't think I did. So, standing for an hour in 4 inch heels and then walking for about an hour basically cost me the feeling in all of my toes, and a tingly-dead feeling in the balls of my feet. But those boots? So sexy.

We walked the whole god-dammed way there. If you know New York City, you might be familiar with the part of town that we walked through . I'm not saying that it is a dangerous area. Really, its probably far from it, only because its completely empty. No people as far as the eye can see and maybe one or two cars passing (which, not for nothing, is creepy). Until you have to walk through the plaza of the Lincoln Tunnel. Plenty of cars there. Going fast and not caring how hard it is for a stupid girl to walk quickly in 4 inch boots when she can't feel her toes.

Ugh. We got there, that's all that matters, but it was so painful I had to laugh all the way there.

The actual concert and boat ride were wonderful. It is such a great venue to see a band play. There is an outside deck to sit on and watch the city skyline as you're passing by. There is an indoor dance floor where the band plays. Upstairs, a balcony with tables and windows and stuff. Really, really nice. Also, two bars. Booooze.

We spent a good portion of the night outside looking at the city. Sadly, my camera was not as impressed as I was and did not want to take any good pictures. The scenery was unbelievably beautiful and I could not capture it well at all. The city didn't even look real; it looked like some kind of model:

Hard to tell. Here's another try:

That there on the right is the Empire State Building. Believe it or not.

This is probably the best picture I got:

Not too bad. The highest point on the right side is the Empire State Bldg again, the bright point of light a little lower and to the left is the Chrysler Building and that's about all of the landmarks I can point out. I'm such a good New Yorker.

I just thought this mess of a shot came out interesting:


Anyway, this was the highlight of the whole deal:

The Statue of Liberty. I have lived in New York my entire life and I have Never Ever seen the Statue of Liberty in person. EVER. And dude, she's huge. HUGE. I really had no idea. I mean, I knew she was big, but, you know not HUGE.

I'm not a particularly patriotic person, I don't support what our country is doing right now, I think our president is a twat. But seeing the Statue of Liberty right in front of you is truly awe-inspiring. It sounds so trite, but I was really impressed with the presence it has in the harbor. You can just imagine what people coming into Ellis Island must have felt when they saw her standing there as they were coming to start their lives over. Amazing, really. If you have never gone, I highly recommend it. I know that the Circle Line Cruises does this run and the prices seem to be pretty reasonable. It is SO WORTH IT.

And then my batteries died. Yay! No more pictures!

Luckily TheBoy had his camera phone and was able to take pictures of the band that we went to see. We were literally standing about 8 feet away from Sean Kelly, the lead singer*, which was just so cool. He looked at me. Like in the eye. He watched me watch him. I was acknowledged by a mildly famous person. Sort of.

The show was really good, the band seems like a bunch of really nice guys who just love what they're doing. TheBoy is a big fan of theirs and I think he enjoyed seeing them again and I know that if something like this comes up again we're going to jump all over it.

After the show was over and they unloaded us back at the pier, we had to figure out how the fuck we were going to get back to Penn Station. A whole mess of us were standing at the entrance to the pier as traffic is whizzing by us about 4 inches from our feet and waiting for cabs to come by. The crowd had set up a first-come, first-serve system where the first people there got the first cab and so on. 2 groups left and then it was our turn. We waited. And waited. Finally. A taxi is driving up, I flag it down and it pulls over about 20 feet past us. Where there are other people waiting.

A girl (a stupid, stupid girl) starts walking and reaches out to open the car door.

I break out into a full-out sprint. It felt like slow-motion. I was running and screaming. Screaming at the girl that she had better not fucking take my cab, that is my cab, get the fuck out of the way, you lousy whore (or something). I am half-drunk and running on my bloody stumps that I can't even feel anymore along the West Side Hwy, screaming at some little hippy girl that I don't know, to back the fuck up before I tackle her and throw her into the bushes.

You better fucking believe I meant it. I would have thrown her. I would have hurt her. I didn't care.

But I didn't have to. She saw a crazy person coming at her and backed up.

Damn straight.

Happy Friday, all.

*Who we know now is NOT on heroin, by the way.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Stressing a little too hard.

I had a rather nice weekend and have a post in progress about it but that's not what you're getting now. I still have to upload the photos from my memory card which is not something I can do at work. Since I have been a lazy slob while at home, you have to wait to see the pictures and the post is pretty ineffectual without them.

In other news, my boss is in the conference room with his boss about 10 feet away from me working on the staff's yearly reviews.

I laugh at the reviews. I laugh at the whole damn process. If the words "Surly" and "Insubordinate" are not in the first sentence of my review this year, I will be greatly surprised. "Bad attitude" has been mentioned in years past and I don't see that being struck from my file. The plan was to be out of here before review time and it's not looking as if that will happen because, HAHA, Newsday - you got me again. No one's reading my resume? No shit. But thanks for the motivation. According to the article, you can only get a job if you know someone in the company which you are applying to. Nice.

Looks like I'll be here for a little while. Unless there is someone out there who works for a nice company with a branch in NY (preferably Long Island) and would like to pretend to know me in a RealLife capacity so that I can get out of this place and move on with my damn life already.

Perhaps your company has a hiring bonus. Wouldn't that be nice? I get a job and you get money! Cash Money! For you!

Help me...

OH! I almost forgot. Tonight is the season premiere of Veronica Mars. Don't miss it!
Talking to you, Jessica... :)