"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Thursday, April 13, 2006

This is perhaps not so surprising.

For those of you who don't know me personally (most of you) maybe don't know that i'm a total procrastinator. This comes to mind as today i HAVE to do my taxes.

It is, afterall April 13th and i have only 2 days left to have them postmarked or e-stamped or whatever. I have waited this long because it is maybe boring and/or scary for me. Also because the internet connection on my computer at home has been missing since when The Boy was "trying to do something" about a month ago and never re-connected me. This will be forgiven and not complained about. For now.

Filing my own taxes scares me. Last year was the first year i did it myself (online) and while it worked out fairly well, i was paranoid that i did it wrong and was going to receive a phone call from the IRS that I had cheated the government out of money and they were going to come and take me away. I don't know if this ever REALLY happens or if even the IRS checks each return as diligently as they would have to in order to see that i screwed up. I don't wish to purposely lie on my taxes, i am just concerned that i've fudged them a little. The A-word scares the crap out of me. *

I decided last year that i am going to do it myself since my taxes are fairly simple and straight-forward. I'm not married, divorced, own a home or have dependants**. I do not wish to pay the $50 to $80 it would take to pay a professional to do it, so i set myself up for this stressful time that i will spend in front of the computer reading little excerpts of tax law and tip-tapping my numbers into little boxes whose parameters i don't even remotely understand.

Money, taxes and insurance scare the crap out of me. I don't understand it. I will never claim to understand these things. In fact, my brain basically shuts down when these things come up. I have never taken a Finance class because i know that when these subjects come up, a little switch is flipped in my head that causes Muzak*** tracks to play.

Now, i don't actually believe that i am a stupid person. And as a Non-Stupid Person, i believe that i am capable of following the instructions in the online tax program and filling in the boxes with the appropriate numbers. I am smart enough to read and answer questions and the program basically does The Math for you. I am NOT capable of doing The Math myself. I understand that it is mostly addition and subtraction, but lets not put too much on my plate that i can screw up, mmkay?

Also, i know i have deductions. I don't claim any of them except school tuition. This is because there is a box right there on the form for school tuition. Any deviations from the form are not admissable as i will Fuck It Up.

I'm sure that all of you have yours done already like good citizens. I'm also sure that this process does not stress you out like it does me. I think we can all be sure that you are more adept at handling situations that you have 4 months to prepare for. Unlike myself who waits until they have 2 days left and freaks out about it as she is trying to find all of her W2's that are in a "safe place".


*AUDIT. Doesn't the word just send chills up your spine? Is that just me?

**The Boy has trained his two children to respond to being called "Dependant 1" and "Dependant 2". Do not judge him. He is funny. And the children are smart enough to roll their eyes at him.

***AKA: elevator music. I'm not sure if Muzak is a universal term.
I also didn't know until a few years ago that Muzak is in fact a company (who creates "Experiences with Audio Architecture") and is not just a word invented to describe the non-music that is played in such places as elevators and shopping malls. Neato.


  • Would be unable to function without the TurboTax thingy. Love it. Also am lame about deductions because it generally requires me to hold onto a piece of paper in a reasonable place for more than four hours. Completely outside of my skillset.

    Stupid math. My sister does her taxes tipsy every year. She totally has the right idea.

    Oh, and also? The one year I used H&R to do my taxes, they totally f*ed it up and I DID get a call from the IRS (actually, it was a letter). Sheesh.

    By Anonymous Whinger, at 4/13/2006 12:50 PM  

  • I don't mind paying my accountant, because that's a tax deduction too, so basically it's free. EH - sorry - too complicated.

    I hate taxes.

    By Blogger shiftclick, at 4/13/2006 9:33 PM  

  • my taxes aren't due until the end of the month. I'll do it at the last minute of course! I love 'Quick Tax'.

    By Blogger Kyahgirl, at 4/14/2006 7:06 PM  

  • Ha! Got mine all done on Friday night - just like all the kids are doing..

    TurboTax is my new friend and even though i was thoroughly confused, i made it through. Hooray for the IRS.

    ...i get $$ back, too. :)

    By Blogger claire, at 4/17/2006 7:26 AM  

  • see, the uk rocks. if you're employed then the HR dept do it all for you and all you get is a form from the inland revenue telling you how much you earned and how much of it they stole off you to spend on dodgy peerages and jaguars for members of the cabinet. the second number is generally only marginally smaller than the first (and the first is small enough, believe me).

    By Blogger surly girl, at 4/18/2006 8:33 AM  

  • Dude, my mom could so do your taxes... for free! She's the manager of 3 H&R Block offices, and she gets to do 15 friends/family per year. This year she had an empty slot... Only thing is her offices are in Patchogue, E. Patchogue, and Selden. PLUS my mom retired from the IRS after working there for 21 years... See? It pays to know people... hehe... I'll forward her contact info to you in an email, claire bear!

    By Blogger Tietje243, at 4/19/2006 6:17 AM  

  • Surly - no one likes a bragger. I'm already jealous of those who don't live here in this (um, fine) country. No need to make it worse. :)

    Tietje - I will definitely have to take you up on that! The Boy will probably need to see her in the not too distant future. Because he's lazy.

    By Blogger claire, at 4/20/2006 7:25 AM  

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