"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Friday, September 01, 2006

I hate this

Why does blogger say that it is "Automatically Saving" my draft? When it doesn't? When you get shut down and lose the post you were working on and then can't find it because there's no such thing as Automatically Saving on Blogger? Why and what the fuck?

Alright. I'll probably re-write it later, but now I've lost the mood.

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I was reading through some old e-mails looking for something and was perusing the hundreds of messages my cousin, G, and I used to send back and forth. I save all of my email, well, except for spam and such, but for the most part, everything. It is kind of like a journal. I started working here in 2000, so my company e-mail archives are pretty extensive and just looking through the 2000 - 2003 emails between G and I are interesting to go through. She and I were so close through those 3 years and to think that we've barely spoken in the past 2 years is really upsetting. I guess we've grown apart for the time being, but I know there are ultimately concrete reasons why we're so distant.

Cold, really. She is very cold with me.

And it is sad. Sometimes a little lonely. She was always the person who knew me better than anyone and would always understand. But now, we're on different paths and speaking different languages. I don't really know what is going on in her personal life anymore, though I assume she is happy. She doesn't know much about me anymore, though I assume she feels that she is doing better than I am. There's been an unspoken competition between us since we were children that was instilled on us by our (fucked up) family. Our fathers, being brothers, grew up with the same competitive situation, which I can only imagine was because of my grandparents. They weren't exactly the warmest people I knew, and were a source of discomfort for me growing up, but that is another story altogether. I always tried to push the rivalry out of my friendship with G, because I knew where it stemmed from and knew that it had no place in our relationship.

Jealousy breeds contempt. I know that G felt like she was dealt a shittier hand than I and sometimes had a hard time coming to terms with her past. Her divorced parents were way less stable than mine (who are also divorced, just not as wacky) and caused her a lot of pain and stress that she had to work through. It was hard. Always hard for her. She was usually single. In fact, I don't think she dated anyone all through college, while I had a pretty steady stream of long-term boyfriends.

Inevitably, I think the last guy (The Boy) is the reason she's not speaking to me. She felt abandoned because I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. And I did. I cut off the rest of the world when I met The Boy, as did he, but she took it very personally as if I were attacking her with my absence. At the time, I was just angry that she couldn't understand.

Now, I just read the e-mails between us. The things that were going on in our lives in 2002 when we were both single and spending all of our time with each other while she was at college. It was really a great time and I miss the connection I had with her. Real girlfriends are hard to come by for me, especially ones that are on the same wavelength.

Now she IMs me occasionally, though not usually for anything personal. In fact, this just popped up:

G: just letting you know, Brian Regan is going to be at Lincoln center, Nov. 11....B and I and some others are going
me: I know, I found it yesterday. E & I are going with M and J
I didn't know you were a fan
G: yeah











Chilly. Sparce.

Instead of something like this from 2002:

good morning!!!, you knowi'm still all screwed up.
so did you get to work on time today? I hope you did.
have you been doing anything lately (in the 2 days I haven't seen you) i'm not sure if i'm going ot come see you. it dempends on how much I get done this morning. maybe tomorrow would be better then I can tell you bout my interview. yeah I think tomorrow would be better, is that ok? good.
talk to ya later


A little different.


Ugh.. she would probably kill me if she knew about this. I want to fix it, but then i also know that it will never be the same. Our lives are different and neither of us have the same time that we did then. We are both living with our boyfriends, working, etc and have different friends.

Its just upsetting to me that i probably could have prevented it.

4 Comments:

  • i say write her a good, long manifesto detailing all your concerns and wishes, ask to meet face to face, and try to reconnect on a new level. if you can't, you at least know for certain instead of guessing and wondering how it turned out and why.
    and theres always the distinct possibility that things will be good in a new way!

    By Blogger First Nations, at 9/01/2006 11:30 AM  

  • fn - its a good suggestion, and pretty much what i had anticipated i would do. chances are pretty good it will be awkward and weird. but you're right, it may make it all better again. we'll see.

    By Blogger claire, at 9/01/2006 4:38 PM  

  • Wow, I would love to suggest something as FN said, with the manifesto and all, but I know that at least I am a big chicken with confronting people who are/were close to me like that about problems. My method would be to call randomly, and say something like "I miss you. Let's go out for coffee tomorrow." And then try and take it from there.

    Hopefully you guys will be able to reconnect. If it was an issue of jealousy about S.O.'s that may well be resolved now... And as someone who has been on both sides, it does suck when your once single friends leave your constant companionship for a guy, but also completely understandable when it happens. And now she'll probably be better able to see both sides.

    Good luck! (oh and enjoy my comment/novel...geez it was long.)

    By Blogger Christine, at 9/01/2006 5:38 PM  

  • Boobie, I think you should confront her. Not an actual 'in your face...what the hell is your problem' type deal. But TALK to her and tell her how you feel, and that you'd like to fix things.

    M. has cut her contact with me down to forwards. But we go through this....talking, not talking...her being wrapped up in her guy and their life together. This is how she is. I deal with it as I know this is how she is.

    But you and G. are different. I can tell you miss her. So talk to her. But be prepaired for her to unload too. No matter what I am here for you!

    By Blogger Orelinde_03, at 9/05/2006 9:42 AM  

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