"Your biting sarcasm wounds me, Madam..."

Monday, August 21, 2006

Because I deserve a change

I've been working on my resume.

Claire
Address bit here
Phone # here
onaccountofmyrage@gmail.com


Objective:

To find a job within a 25 mile vicinity that doesn't make me want to hang myself with the telephone wire. Preferably for a company with amazing benefits that won't force me to change all of my doctors.

Qualifications:

Computer Chick, Building Operations / Large Company / 2000 - Present

  • Fantastic skills with navigating, surfing, shopping, downloading on internet, also proficient in spending 8+ hours fucking around doing nothing productive whatsoever. Also, excellent at watching Panda Cam.
  • Answering phone
  • Typing @ 70 wpm, though accuracy is limited
  • Blatant insubordination through poor attitude and inability to listen to directions without overwhelming need to punch supervisor between beady eyes.
  • Works well with others
  • Self-starter
  • Builds meaningful, sometimes physical relationships with contractors / consultants / temporary employees* in order to get things needed to fulfill job requirements. Will use 'wiley ways' if necessary.(*Am currently living with one ex-temp of current company.)
  • Good phone manner.
  • Talented problem-solver.
  • Chronically late back from lunch break.
What do you think?

I think i'm almost ready to get this thing out there. Surely, will impress the Personnel agents of my area's top 500 businesses.

Tomorrow WILL be a brand new day.

Must add: Brilliant at html, as well. Just look at those bullets! Outstanding.


10 Comments:

  • I will hire you in a heartbeat! Your salery will be $300,00,000. and full benefits paid out of my pocket. Your hours will be 11am-2pm.


    Oh damn...I just was jerked out of my dream world. Sorry babe!

    But I would still hire you and think you're selling yourself short. You are EXTREMELY talented.

    I just didn't realize the boss had beady eyes. Now I have to look him in the face!

    By Blogger Orelinde_03, at 8/21/2006 4:25 PM  

  • i need help with my resume... can i hire you to add bullets to mine?

    By Blogger minijonb, at 8/22/2006 12:55 PM  

  • orelinde - oh, i so appreciate it. especially all the compliments.
    may i add our beady-eyed boss is singing playground songs about me and an engineering employee. i hate it here.

    minijonb - that's about all i'm good at apparently. will help - for nominal fee.

    By Blogger claire, at 8/22/2006 2:32 PM  

  • What the hell! Is that professional? His singing songs about you? And do I really want to know who he is adding in to the song?

    I hate it here too! I really need to go. Just get the hell out of dodge and go.My 'work husband' tells me every day that I do not hate it here...but I know that I do.

    And I saw the typo in my salery to you. CORRECTION: $300,000,000.00

    By Blogger Orelinde_03, at 8/22/2006 3:03 PM  

  • I think I have read several chick-lit books about you...

    You get the guy in the end.

    By Blogger Jessica, at 8/22/2006 10:03 PM  

  • ah, go ahead and punch the fucker.
    i give you permission.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 8/23/2006 9:00 PM  

  • I love the "works well with others" that you throw in there after talking about beating coworkers to a bloody pulp.

    You're so freaking funny.

    By Anonymous jonniker, at 8/24/2006 10:52 AM  

  • jessica - hmm...i'm not sure what you're getting at... am i not genuine? too bridgit-esque?

    first nations - thank you! have my orders now....

    jonniker - there are two types of "others". the first type, i like. the second are very punchable.

    By Blogger claire, at 8/24/2006 10:59 AM  

  • Yeah, I sympathize, work sucks... I managed to escape corporate hell a few years ago. Now I work in baby hell, but at least it's a change.

    By Anonymous emma, at 8/26/2006 10:52 AM  

  • It looks like we will be competing for the same jobs, with our similar resumes... I actually shack up with one of my former coworkers, too.

    Panda Cam! W00T!

    By Blogger Da Nator, at 8/31/2006 10:54 AM  

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