If you don't want to hear me bitch, you should probably move along.

***would like to point out that there is little-to-no proof reading done here. Am shooting my mouth off and am just posting it before i chicken out***

oh my god, it is so freaking hot in here. there is no AC at work today and it is just about 95% humidity outside and there is no AIR to BREATH in here. i think it's effecting my attitude.

i called in sick yesterday. yes, i did. And i didn't care what anyone thought about it. I wasn't even sick... no... i... wasn't. In fact, i didn't even pretend i was when i called in and left my sick message. All you could hear on my voice was a little bit of sleepiness because that was why i called in. I was "TIRED". I was tired from the night before when i slept not at all. So i called in, dammit.

I am sitting here at my desk and not checking the voicemails from yesterday (cause i can really give a shit) and just catching up on everyone's blogs.

I have had it here.

And there's nothing i can do.

See, i would start that interview process up again: update resume, post it online, pick through want-ads and whatever. But i don't think i can, just yet. I may be limiting myself, but i'm a little afraid to do it just yet. Cause i thought too far ahead... And booked a damn 2-week vacation at the end of November. 2 WEEKS!

How can i start a new job and be like, "oh, by the way, i'm not going to be here this week and this week because i'll be in the caribbean. sorry!" If i were a recruiter, i would probably think, 'like hell you are' or 'ok! but don't expect to be here when you get back!'. Because i think it's really dick to start a new job and then not be there. I think it shows poor planning skills, irresponsibility and just a general sense of screwed up priorities. All of which i have, naturally.

I am un-willing to give up my vacation.
Luckily, i'm backed up by the fact that it is non-refundable and i am shelling out a lot of money for this bitch and i'm not willing to lose it.

But i don't want any potential employers to know that. It's not very climb-the-corporate-ladder of me. Having to stay here for 6 more months will surely kill me; i just don't know if i can skate by any longer on the fact that i have more seniority than most at my level - which i have learned is because most people learn that there is no good reasons for staying here any longer than they have to and GET THE FUCK OUT.

Not me, though, no. I've been here 6 1/2 years - since i was 19 years old. I didn't know any better 6 years ago and thought that this was a pretty sweet deal. I mean, there's air conditioning and you sit at a desk all day. It's not like working in the hot and sweaty mall or standing at an assembly line going mind-numbingly brain-dead. No! There's internet access and i get my own phone number! I am Awesome! I am corporate-casual!

Then i realized that it take 2 years to get your first promotion, even though you're doing the work of that higher position plus 2 co-workers worth. But that doesn't matter, right? Because now they've seen what a team-player you are, right? And they're rewarding you for being such a good worker. Go you! Take yourself out for a celebratory dinner. Even though you can't actually afford it, even with the 'raise' you were given.

And then it takes another 4 fucking years to get that next promotion because you are doing such crazy shit, that they don't even have a title for what you do here. No! It takes them 4 fucking years to get budget approval for the bull-shit job that you have taken on little by little, as people have left this god-forsaken company and new people have taken their place and formed different positions. Oh! Even TAKING the title of YOUR position because you were going to be promoted. But you never were! So you both have the same title, even though YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT JOB ANYMORE. The boss is "waiting until you show him that you deserve" your promotion, and "that you really want it". And you actually wait around to see what happens while you have a bullshit position that means nothing because someone else has already replaced you.

You plod along, like an idiot. You watch others come and leave. You watch others like yourself plod along JUST LIKE YOU, without being rewarded for their dedication and keep making themselves believe that they will be compensated. But they're not. And neither are you.

You finally get your promotion and it is meaningless. You have been doing the work for this job for 4+ years and nothing is different. Your title is completely made up and will mean nothing in any other company. The skills you have acquired here are so specialized that you have worked yourself into a tiny niche and will not be qualified for most of what is out there. You get an extra $2 an hour and tell your boss that it is an insult - he can't fix it. And you stay. Like an idiot...

This is totally my fault and i need to wait another 1/2 year until i can fix it.

I am smashing my head against a brick wall and it is my own fault for not fixing it sooner.