To spawn or not to spawn...

I've been MIA for awhile now, but there are good excuses for that.

I'm still reading all of Sundry's archives (am up to Dec. 2005 now) and sadly, I've become so engrossed in that blog, that I'm using all of the stolen spare time I would normally put towards updating my blog and reading the posts on others'. I have trouble multi-tasking more than I have to and am unable to stray my mind away from focusing on a few select things. It's sad, but this is my life.

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The most startling thing that has been occupying my mind has been The Baby Decision, the life-altering, mind-bending decision to procreate.

I have been a life-long believer in the school of thought that children are disgusting, needy, life-sucking beings that will destroy your life and turn your mind into some kind of icky goo that will eventually ooze out of your ear. Once you are 'blessed' with one, you change into one of those people whose world orbits around a small-person, wearing sun visors with ponytails and driving the newest model of mini-van. All of your time and energy, for the rest of your damn life is devoted to someone who will eventually hate you (ah, teenagers) and has the ability to make you a prisoner in your own home.

(That last bit - probably just in my own head, that one.)

It will come as a great surprise to most people who know me in real life that I am having a week where I might change my mind.

Earlier last week, it occurred to me that while I don't think I could imagine myself with actual children, I probably would like being pregnant. (Hmm. But then eventually you give birth and have to deal with the end-product. That would be awful.)

I had, of course, gotten up to the parts in Sundry's blog where she was pregnant with Riley, and then eventually gave birth. This might have something to do with all of these weird maternal thoughts, I'm sure. Oh, yeah, and my baby cousin, Christopher was up with my aunt & uncle visiting last week. Surely, being in the presence of a very sweet 15 month old would make me consider all of this.

Of course it would. Later in the week, I thought, well maybe it wouldn't be so bad? Babies are cute, afterall - even up to (but not including) 2 years old, they're kinda neat. They're always learning new things and changing and growing. So, that's kind of cool... I might like to try that. But then they get older... what the hell would I do with an 8 year old? I've seen 8 year olds, I even live with one* on the weekends. But... sometimes they.. well they kind of bug the hell out of me. Sometimes.



Spending the short amount of time I did with baby Christopher, really showed me something.

I would probably be a damn good mom.

This, of course, is in comparison to his real mother (who married into the family. seriously, she doesn't belong to us) who is doing so much wrong that I could tell, the one who never had any kids. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what I was watching while we were out to dinner for my grandmother's birthday because everyone has their different methods and not everything works for everybody, but wow**. At one point, I turned my head towards The Boy and whispered very quietly, "oh my god, I don't know anything about this stuff, but I would do everything differently," To which he responded a quick and resounding, "YES, yes you would."

When mother and baby left the table because Christopher was acting up (and man, were people in the restaurant getting pissed) my mom and grandma started discussing her child-rearing tactics, wondering what the hell she was doing. I was glad to hear I wasn't the only one thinking she was totally fucking things up.



Am I at ALL cut out to be a .... urch... Mommy? Wow, that's really hard to say. Would I want to be a mommy? I really don't know.

I am starting to think, though, that maybe its not such a terrible idea. They do change your life. Of course they do. But right now, its not like we're living such a happening fucking time, as it is. We've pretty much turned into stationary people (much to my dismay, mind you) for the past 2 years. How much would my social life be affected. Haha - not very much. I only mention this, because one of my biggest problems with having a child is how will it effect ME. Of course, I do - and why shouldn't I? Its my body, life, etc. Don't judge me, dammit.

I just can't imagine how my life would be different. There are all kinds of aspects to consider: my job, our house, money, my f-ing mind. Can we handle this? I don't mean now, but in the future. Would we be able to?

The Boy, luckily, could go either way with this. He already has 2, and doesn't feel like he needs another, but would love to share that experience with me if I so desire. No pressure from him. And I really appreciate that.

One thing is for sure. It's not happening now. I'm not finished with school, I would like to be married first, we are not at all financially secure. All important things. By the time I have all or most of these things taken care of, I might change my mind. And that's ok.

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Wow - I've been wanting to get this off of my chest all week. I'm glad I finally sat down to do it, even though it took me all day.

And I didn't get any further with Sundry's blog. Addictions are rough...



*The Boy has two children of his own from a previous marriage. His children and I are not necessarily in love.
**Don't tell your child that their tantrum is cute. That's not helping anyone.